Escaping the Amish - Part 2 100 Comments
(Photo: Stuck in Customs)
This is the final continuation of Part 1, where Torah Bontrager — who escaped the Old Order Amish culture to attend Columbia University — explained common misconceptions and myths about the Amish, as well as the pros and cons of being raised in this alternative American culture.
Here we chronicle the actual escape…
This two-part piece is not intended to generalize all Amish. It is a chronicle of one person’s experiences with the common constraints and abuses of the Old Order Amish, leading to escape. Please see Torah’s follow-up comments here for more important details.
How did you finally escape?
I had three paternal uncles who left when they were young. One of them lived in Montana. I’d only met him once, when I was eleven, but I just knew he would be the one to help me escape.
We were allowed to have phones in the barn (you’d go to hell with a phone in the house, but God was cool with it in the barn, apparently). One day, when I was fourteen, I sneaked into my dad’s desk, copied down my Montana uncle’s number, and called him collect. I knew that whatever long-distance number you dialed showed up on the phone bill unless you called collect.
For about a year, I’d wait until everyone in the house was fast asleep, then I’d sneak down the stairs. Believe me, I knew every creak and groan in the staircase and how to avoid them—I also sprayed WD-40 on the door hinges and the window. I’d crawl out the bathroom window after flushing the toilet to cover the sound and run outside to the barn. Then I’d call my uncle and we’d talk. Of course, he said I could stay with him.
There was still the problem of the law, though—my parents could just scoop me back up.
My dad got the daily paper, and my mom caught me reading it once. She beat me for what she deemed open signs of rebellion. Following that, I’d wait until my mom took her nap and then I’d read the paper from cover to cover.
One day, when I was fifteen, the front-page article covered the case of a sixteen-year-old boy who essentially divorced his parents. He was awarded limited emancipation because of having been abused by them. The article said that you could get emancipated based on physical, verbal or sexual abuse, educational deprivation, and a few other conditions as well. If you were emancipated, you had all the rights of an eighteen-year-old.
The instant I read it, I thought “Ah, ha! This is how I can leave before I’m eighteen and go to high school.” So I called my uncle. He hadn’t heard of the case, but he called his attorney and luckily, Montana was one of the handful of states where the new law was in effect. So I could leave Michigan to live in Montana to be a free person.
Then I just needed a plan.
How did it all come together?
One night, I was talking to one of my three uncles, who lived in Wisconsin, and I told him that I couldn’t stand being Amish anymore, that I’d had it, and that — if I could — I’d leave that night.
Then he said something I wasn’t expecting at all—“Well, if I drove over tonight to pick you up, would you go?”
I called my Montana uncle and told him I’d be leaving that night. I took my birth certificate, Social Security Number and vaccination record out of my dad’s safe (my Montana uncle had told me I’d need these for going to high school). I packed two small boxes to take with me, which contained all the worldly possessions dear to me.
You can’t imagine what an ordeal it was to go down those god-awful creaky stairs (even the wonders of WD-40 couldn’t save that old staircase), cross over the god-awful creaky dining room floor, slip through the god-awful creaky kitchen door, all the time doing everything I could to keep from just making a dash for the door.
Luckily, the fridge — yes, we were allowed to have fridges — kicked in just when I was trying to figure out how to cover the noise of the kitchen door. I had so much adrenaline rushing through my blood that I was losing control of myself. The only thing I could think of during those last few moments was that the other side of the door was freedom.
Outside. Freedom was so close, I could smell it. I tore across the yard, heading straight toward the road.
I ran about a quarter mile down the road until I reached the creek where my uncle was designated to wait for me. I stopped only once, for just a second, to look back. I debated whether I wanted to look back—I was afraid I’d jinx myself if I did—but then I thought: this is a huge moment in my life and I want to take just one more look at the homestead.
I paused, turned around and looked. Everything was quiet. No movement, no noise, no lights on in the house, nothing. I was safe. No one knew I wasn’t up in my room sound asleep. I took off again as fast as I could to where my uncle’s car was parked.
He wasn’t there! He must have come and gone without me! My heart almost stopped.
Then I saw a little light from the car door opening. He had parked off the road. I ran towards the car, jumped in the front passenger seat, and we were off.
It was about an 8-hour drive to Wisconsin where he and his family lived. I spent two days with them. My aunt took me shopping for clothes. I’ll never forget the first time I wore a pair of jeans. I couldn’t believe how comfortable they were. I also got my picture taken, the only photo I have of me in Amish clothes. On the second day, they put me on the train out to my Montana uncle.
In two days, I was in Montana.
I was free, and my new life began.
Why do you want people to know your story?
Because the general public is not properly educated about what goes on inside the Amish, which it makes it a million times harder for individuals (especially women and children) to receive the assistance they need, whether that’s before or after they leave.
What continues to make it even worse are people like me — someone who is Amish and has the resources and know-how available — who does nothing about it.
It’s bothered me ever since, so I’ve decided to speak up now and spread awareness about this issue.
###
Posted on July 17th, 2008
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100 Responses to “Escaping the Amish - Part 2”
12:18 pm
[...] in Part 2] Postscript: This post is not intended to generalize all Amish. Rather, it is one person’s [...]
12:19 pm
“(you’d go to hell with a phone in the house, but God was cool with it in the barn, apparently)” LOL!
Maybe God wants your attention to be firewalled in true 4HWW style?
Thanks for this story!
12:19 pm
Tim,
This isn’t related to your blog post.
But, you put this out on Twittter, then I realized you’re not following anyone, so you wouldn’t see this answer. I didn’t see a way to email you directly.
This isn’t a night life suggestion…but, I highly recommend the “wind tunnel” in Orlando. Have you done it before? It would be a great topic to blog about.
Great work!
Mary
12:34 pm
before we have another 3,000 posts that say “well, i’m NOT amish, and aren’t an expert, BUT i know this can’t be true…”
please just stop and listen to yourselves for a second, and perhaps you will realize how ridiculous your statements are before you post them.
and those who will devalue or try to diminish this woman’s experience from behind their keyboard, please also stop and listen to yourselves.
12:49 pm
Great post! I’m glad you’re spreading awareness about this issue. It’s not just the amish. Many many children are abused, physically and mentally, every single day in the name of religion. Just saying “these are our beliefs” certainly shouldn’t give parents a free pass to abuse their kids.
Joe
12:59 pm
Tim, thanks so much for sharing this story… For giving the opportunity to Torah to share her story. Let’s hope the interest snowballs and exposure grows.
1:00 pm
Yeah i worked for the amish for awhile.. driver & construction.
they are f*ing insane. and thats about the nicest thing i can say about them.
1:21 pm
If this isn’t lifestyle design, I don’t know what is!
1:28 pm
Riveting story. Thanks for sharing.
1:38 pm
Thanks for sharing your story. Few people have the personal courage to break away from the circumstances into which they are born. And some don’t listen to the voice that tells them to stay alive until they can reach a better place. I’m glad you did.
2:11 pm
Until Torah’s book comes out, I’d recommend to anyone interested in the subject that they check out the documentary movie “Devil’s Playground” which gives a fascinating glimpse into Amish teen culture during their period of Rumspringa, where some Amish teens are allowed to taste the life of the “English.”
2:16 pm
Wow, what a moving story. Thanks for sharing it.
2:29 pm
Very compelling. It reminded me of the book “infidel” by Ayaan Hirsi Ali.
2:35 pm
I thought the Amish shunned members who go apostate, especially the more strict orders. Why would Torah’s father keep his brothers’ phone numbers?
As far as I’ve heard, the different Amish orders reject technology to whatever degree they feel it could interfere with their spiritual lives and their sense of community. It’s more personal to go and visit when you want to talk to someone than simply picking up the phone. The phone is probably kept in the barn strictly for business use. The Amish have reasons of their own for what they do, and it’s the depth of ignorance to mock something that you’re clueless about simply because it’s different from what you’re familiar with.
Torah’s story is definitely inspiring and gripping, but I have a sense that she’s not being completely up front with us. I’m not saying her parents were right to beat her, but it sounds like she developed a taste for the “English” life early on, and her parents may have been very worried and afraid for her, and tried to beat what they saw as rebelliousness out of her. Stuff like that happens every day in the non-Amish world, so we don’t have to look down our noses at them for being like many of us in that respect.
Like many readers have commented, the Amish are across-the-board awful. I happen to have met one young woman who, against incredible resistance from both the Amish community and her parents, JOINED an Amish community, and she was very happy. She said her parents eventually came around.
I greatly admire Torah’s bravery in choosing the life she wants to live, but I’m not willing to buy a wholesale condemnation of a culture based on one person’s perception, especially one who was a teenager at the time.
3:22 pm
Correction: the Amish are NOT across-the-board awful
3:23 pm
I’m happy for you, Torah. I’m sure it was not easy to leave, although it sounds as if you wanted to go so badly.
3:30 pm
This is an amazing story. It’s so sad to think that some people in such negative situations (in every culture, of course) do not have that kind of strength/bravery to leave. Best of luck to Torah and Project Amish!
3:58 pm
Now that is way cool!
You go girl!!!
4:51 pm
Hi Torah!
Thank you for the story and being a warrior role model.
Good luck on publishing your book!
Dirk
4:54 pm
Did you parents ever try contacting your uncles when you went missing? I guess my question is, did you ever find out what their reaction to you leaving was?
5:01 pm
Great story Torah, thank you very much for sharing.
All the best with your book, I look forward to reading the whole story, and life ahead.
I’m very glad to see you pointed out all the positives from growing up Amish. I truly believe that enduring such hardships makes us a much better person.
…
6:32 pm
I’m with Hayden. I’d be curious to see what my parents reaction was. I suppose that after you’re free and legal, you could go back and find out. But why would you want to return? Hmmm…
Maybe just send them an email?? ;0)
6:45 pm
Tim - it’s been a long time since I did nightlife at Disney, but I think Lake Buena Vista/Pleasure Island is your best bet :)
6:45 pm
Amazing, inspiring story!
I’m curious to know if Torah has seen her parents since she emancipated herself?
9:29 pm
I find it incredibly patronizing and dismissive for commenters to have such an outcry about these articles. Torah is telling her story and all you can do is pipe up in defense of a group that is, at best, condemning their children to a life of authoritarianism, ignorance, and isolation. They don’t allow their children to pursue education. How is that not a violation of their human rights?
I left a cult as well and when I try to speak about what happened to me on the inside, I get the same thing. Silencing.
10:06 pm
Wow.
I got goosebumps reading about Torah’s ordeal.
I wish her well in her new life!
By the way, are have you made a stop in Vancouver yet?
If you are, check out the Vancouver Folk Music fest this weekend at Jericho beach.
Jericho beach is gorgeous!
10:22 pm
Glad somebody with Balls is Speaking Up about the Baloney that is All Religion*
;)) Peace*
11:00 pm
My parents live on an acreage near Pine City, MN, and they used to have neighbors who were Amish. He was a buggy maker, and they farmed quite a bit of land.
Being a Christian family, we enjoyed each others company… although we had our differences in beliefs, we still respected them and were still able to talk about the Bible, sing songs together, have campfires, play “Rook”, and generally enjoyed each others company.
They moved away to a small town in Wisconsin to get away from the growing Twin Cities area, which was making it more difficult for them to live in relative seclusion.
We still get Christmas cards and hand-written letters from them each year.
And their pies and baked goods were awesome! Though I don’t think they’d qualify as health food… and, from looking at their figures, you could tell they weren’t on the South Beach Diet!
The men and boys were as strong as oxes! They worked hard all day long in the fields or in the buggy shop, while the women and girls worked mostly inside baking, cooking, cleaning, sewing, quilting, etc.
They had a peculiar odor, which you’d expect from someone who works hard all day and doesn’t wear Right Guard.
We weren’t aware of any abuse that occurred in their family, but it wouldn’t surprise me if there was some of that in their greater community. I’m also not aware of anyone from their family (Marty Yoder’s family) who ended up leaving the Amish community. Last I checked, I think they had 12 kids from the ages of 27 to 10 or 11.
12:02 am
Tim;
A really compelling story. It’s one of those little side roads in American life that we miss if we’re busy going “90 miles an hour” all the time. Thanks for bringing it to us and thanks to Torah for her courage. Hopefully things are going good for her now.
I also wanted to add further insight to the quote “Spare the rod and spoil the child”. I think it has it’s basis in Proverbs 13:24 “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.”
One of the things that is easier to do than falling off a floating log is to take the Bible out of context. The world is full of people that create their own little world by doing that. It’s good to remember that when asked by a lawyer in the Jewish council, “What is the greatest commandment?”, Jesus replied “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:34-40) Love is the foundation to real Christianity. Any father who confuses child abuse (rocking over a son’s toe with a rocking chair) with love through measured discipline is a hypocrite of the worst order.
12:19 am
I am very confused by the anachronisms in this story. the phone in the barn is not surprising, I have heard of Amish with cell phones as long as they where charged and used outside the home.
the likely reason for it being in the barn is dealing with connection and reliance on power lines and telephone lines. a phone is seen by SOME Amish communities as a tool like a hammer or saw that maybe seen as a great improvement over mail or face to face communication for dealing with business with the ‘English’ or far off Amish communites.
I am some what surprised that you not only had wd-40 but where able to use it to such an extent. first off it has a distinct smell, so you may have been putting yourself in greater danger then with out it. additionally it does not function a great deal better then other types of grease or oils that would be more common in an Amish community.
the fridge being in your home is almost the most shocking thing since it flies most in the face of the connected to power lines. I have NEVER heard of any electricity in an Amish home. sometimes in the barn for work tools, but never in a home.
and one other issue I have is that your family kept in touch with relatives who left the community. why keep up to date contact info and family gatherings with hell-bound individuals?
it seems very odd that your community is so liberal with some things and draconian with other things. why would it be evil to have a phone in your house when you have electricity inside? I would not be surprised if you where not actually from an Amish community, but simply a community that used the Amish name.
12:39 am
I also have another issue with this story:
why did you have a social security card? Amish are federally recognized as exempt from social security tax, so there would be no reason to have it. since it seems unlikely that your parents would want you to have it to get a job, there is no need for it as an official identification.
this kept sticking out for me since I have heard that getting a social security card is one of the first things that former Amish need to get. this is a really odd story.
1:40 am
Good thing we don’t have to worry about her parents reading this blog post…
Thank you, thank you. Terrific audience tonight.
1:56 am
Great personal story. It will not only make a great book, but I can see a movie as well…
…one open question is how did your parents react? They had the phone numbers of your uncles who assisted your escape, certainly there were conversations. How did those go?
Like your uncles, are you in touch with them at all? It seems that they left and still maintained a relationship with their family, have you done so?
But thanks again for sharing a heck of a personal journey.
3:56 am
…thanks for making me think…
6:15 am
An absolutely amazing story. I had no idea that there were these serious problems in Amish communities. Yesterday I came across a similar story about Amerasian girls http://simplisticthoughts.com/2008/07/17/an-amazing-story-of-one-person-making-a-difference/ and I think you are right, that telling your story and getting the information out there is the first step to start change.
7:25 am
Tim and Torah - thank you so much for speaking out and publishing this article - I truly hope that it saves other children from the abuse.
Best to you,
Julie
8:21 am
Joshua,
All children born in the US are required to have a birth certificate and then a social security number.
At least that’s what Lord Google tells me.
http://www.amish.net/faq.asp
Torah’s story is more common than most people think. What she faced in the physical world is what most people face every single day in their own world. They just don’t see it.
Most people grow up, contained in this “suppose to” world. You’re “suppose to” go to college, you’re “suppose to” get a job, you’re “suppose to” get married, you’re “suppose to” have a mortgage . . . you’re “suppose to” work for 40 years before you retire . . . .
Any deviation from this existence is enough to send people into a panic. The paradigm they have accepted of the world is absolute. This paradigm is usually accepted from parents, school administrators or in Torah’s case the religious establishment.
For someone to reject their paradigm and adopt a new one takes courage. The transition is rarely smooth. People oftentimes face ridicule and possibly rejection not only from their piers but their family. Undoubtedly Torah would have faced physical repercussions as well had she been caught.
But nothing could possibly replace that feeling of being free: of being able to declare that your life is truly your own and you will lead it how you see fit.
Hopefully Torah’s book will answer all the questions which now lurk in my head. Did her parents come after her in Montana? Was there a court battle? Has her parents finally accepted her decision or is she now dead to them?
Inquiring minds want to know!
8:39 am
Tim, thanks for sharing this fascinating story with us. I just started following your blog a few days ago and it’s already been valuable. I’ve placed your RSS feed on the sidebar of my own blog.
Torah, I’ll be buying your book when it comes out. I grew up in the countryside of Ohio and practically lived among the Amish as a kid. This is interesting to me since I mostly saw, as you pointed out to another reader, the side of them that they want us to see.
Well…except for that one group of Amish who got absolutely hammered on Friday nights and street-raced their buggies down the straight stretch by the creek. The cops even came to watch, if I remember correctly. Made quite a story to tell when I moved to downtown Miami, as you can imagine.
Thanks again…
9:13 am
To ‘Matt V.’ who says:
“Until Torah’s book comes out, I’d recommend to anyone interested in the subject that they check out the documentary movie “Devil’s Playground” which gives a fascinating glimpse into Amish teen culture during their period of Rumspringa, where some Amish teens are allowed to taste the life of the “English.”
Thanks for mentioning this. I highly recommend Devil’s Playground. The director, Lucy Walker, did an absolutely fabulous job with this. She got content that I never thought would be possible for a non-Amish to get.
NOTE: The film is 99% accurate. The 1% that’s not accurate is that the film doesn’t make a distinction between Rumspringa in the smaller communities (in general) vs. the bigger communities (in general).
A) Teens in most smaller communities don’t have the peer support to experiment with the outside world like the teens in most bigger communities do, and B) the teens aren’t actually allowed to experiment with the outside world but i) there are too many teens so the parents don’t have any control over them, and ii) this has been happening for generations so the parents more or less expect their kids to experiment as well, even though the parents don’t actually want their kids to interact with the outside nor give them permission to do so.
Torah
9:27 am
The part where her uncle offered to come pick her up was quite touching, thank you for putting this story up on your blog Tim.
9:35 am
To ‘tulasi-priya’ who says the following:
“Torah’s story is definitely inspiring and gripping, but I have a sense that she’s not being completely up front with us. I’m not saying her parents were right to beat her, but it sounds like she developed a taste for the “English” life early on, and her parents may have been very worried and afraid for her, and tried to beat what they saw as rebelliousness out of her. Stuff like that happens every day in the non-Amish world, so we don’t have to look down our noses at them for being like many of us in that respect.”
Any type of physical abuse is a crime. It doesn’t matter how severe or light it is. Physical abuse is physical abuse. Unfortunately, the general level of severity within the Amish is appallingly high. The Amish who do so truly believe that they are disciplining their children when in fact it’s simply physical abuse. I am at a loss to see how anyone can ever justify physically abusing any being, or condoning such abuse.
Torah
9:36 am
To ‘tulasi-priya’ who says the following:
“I thought the Amish shunned members who go apostate, especially the more strict orders. Why would Torah’s father keep his brothers’ phone numbers?”
As I commented elsewhere, how one who leaves the Amish is received by practicing Amish varies from community to community, family to family and individual to individual.
The main reason my father had his brothers’ phone numbers was for emergency purposes. E.g., To inform them of a death in the family (especially in the immediate family). This is not an uncommon practice in many Amish communities.
Besides that, over the course of 15-20 years, my father’s father became much more welcoming toward his non-practicing children (especially after they had been gone for that long). Time tends to eventually make parents/family a little more receptive (again, this is a generality).
Just fyi, my grandfather burned my two oldest uncles’ clothes after they escaped—symbolizing that they’re dead to him. Even though the uncles weren’t baptized in the church, they were shunned to the same degree as a baptized member would have been. However, after 15-20 had gone by, my grandfather became a lot more accepting. He’s still very far from approving; but relative to how he was in the beginning, he’s remarkably tolerant.
Torah
9:43 am
To ‘Hayden Tompkins’ who says the following:
“Did you parents ever try contacting your uncles when you went missing? I guess my question is, did you ever find out what their reaction to you leaving was?”
Yes and yes. These are questions that will be answered in the book. I apologize for leaving you hanging, but the answers are quite lengthy and complex. They’re good questions, hence why it’ll take a book to answer them. : )
Torah
9:56 am
Clifford,
I have some issues with your source of data. your expert claims that you are required to have a ss card from age 5. lets put aside the fact that my own parents did not get cards for my sister or me until we where in our mid-teens, and instead look at a the SSA website.
here you have a FAQ that states that “Anyone age 12 or older requesting an original Social Security number card must appear for an interview at a Social Security office, even if a parent or guardian will sign the application on the child’s behalf.” SSA. it could be a simple mistake, but it calls into question the credibility of the website.
the reason I find it hard to believe that Torah had a social security card is that since August 13, 1965,the Amish have been given an exemption from social security taxes if they are self-employed. with that in mind, considering that Torah is female it seems unlikely that her parents expected her to work outside the home, so she would not need the card for employment.
I have little doubt of a birth certificate. there have been centuries of recording births. I have issue only with SS cards, since the only reason to get one is to eligible to receive benefits. I could not find a requirement for the card, simply several places where they encourage getting it and offer what it is for.
9:56 am
To ‘Rob’ who says the following:
“I’m curious to know if Torah has seen her parents since she emancipated herself?”
Yes, I see my parents about an average of once a year and usually I don’t spend more than 2 days with them. In the beginning, the primary reason I visited was because if I didn’t go, the only thing my siblings would know of me was what my father told them. I wanted them to know that I’m a good, decent person and not necessarily hell-bound like my father told them.
My relationship with my father is still not good. We basically avoid speaking to each other when I visit. However, for political reasons, he tolerates it when I visit.
My mother, on the other hand, made a 180 degree turn for the better after I escaped. I know that so far, the posts offer a very negative image of my mother. However, she truly took it to heart when I asked her to please not beat the kids when they do something wrong, that if she explains to them why they shouldn’t do xyz, they’ll understand. It’s not necessary to beat them. I have to say that the woman I most admire in the world is my mother. She has had to face an unbelievable amount of adversity in her life, and this as a practicing Amish from other practicing Amish. I am very proud of her that she considered what I had to say about physical abuse, as well as other issues that I’ve talked to her about over the years.
I will elaborate in the book!
Torah
10:40 am
To ‘joshua’ who has a lot of questions:
I was born in one of the strictest Old Order Amish communities and my parents moved to progressively more liberal communities, the last of which was one of the most liberal Older Order Amish communities. So I have personally experienced the extremes of the Old Order Amish. NOTE: I did not live in all the communities that fall between the two extremes but I did experience the range, something that the majority of Amish individuals never do. Most of them live in the same or similar community all their lives.
a. The phone was in the barn because we lived in a liberal community that allowed us to have phones for business purposes. The phones could not be in the house; that would make it too tempting or easier to use the phone for non-business purposes. That the phones weren’t in the house had nothing to do with not having electricity.
b. I’m not sure what argument you’re trying to make regarding WD-40, including how that could have put me in danger. WD-40 is as common of an item to have as a hammer, especially if your father works in construction (which mine did).
c. We had a fridge because we lived in a liberal community that allowed us to have one. The fridge was not run by electricity but gas.
d. >“and one other issue I have is that your family kept in touch with >relatives who left the community. why keep up to date contact info and >family gatherings with hell-bound individuals?”
I encourage you and all readers to read my account carefully and not make assumptions or jump to illogical conclusions. All I said was that my father had my uncles’ phone numbers. It’s not logical to conclude from that statement that “[my] family kept in touch with relatives who left the community”, nor that my family had the numbers for the purpose of keeping up to date with my uncles or for having them at family gatherings.
e. >it seems very odd that your community is so liberal with some things >and draconian with other things. why would it be evil to have a phone in >your house when you have electricity inside?
See my response above and especially the one in d. about not making assumptions. We all make assumptions or jump to illogical conclusions; I know I do. But when it comes to the topic of the Amish, being very objective and paying very close attention to what it is that I actually said/say would be very helpful. Everyone has a certain image or belief about the Amish so when I (or another Amish person) says something that SEEMS to contradict said image or belief, it’s easy to replace in our minds what they actually said with what we want or expect them to have said.
f. The Amish are indeed exempt from paying social security taxes but that doesn’t automatically mean that none of the Amish have social security cards, nor is it logical to conclude that there is therefore no reason to have one.
I don’t know how widely spread the practice of getting a social security card is (this is something I will research) but in my particular family, we all got a social security number at birth. I will have to ask my dad what exactly his reason was for getting that for us but I suspect it might have been something to do with a tax write-off (but I could be wrong).
Torah
10:52 am
To ‘Clifford’ who says the following:
“Torah’s story is more common than most people think. What she faced in the physical world is what most people face every single day in their own world. They just don’t see it.”
I encourage all readers to read all of ‘Clifford’’s comments. ‘Clifford’ makes some very excellent points that should inspire anyone who reads the entry. I got very re-inspired. Thank you, ‘Clifford’!
As for your questions at the end, they’re either answered elsewhere in my comments or they’re questions that will be answered in the book. I apologize for leaving you hanging, but the answers are quite lengthy and complex. That’s why it’ll take a book. : )
Torah
10:53 am
Woah, Crazy! That is an absolutely amazing story.
I wish my immigration, ahem, heroic escape from Uzbekistan was as exciting!
By the way, do the Amish make their own shoes?
10:55 am
To All Readers:
Thank you once again for your wonderful comments. I wish I could reply to all of you individually…. Know that I truly appreciate your support.
Part of this blog post is to test the waters a little, to see what kind of interest and reception is out there for my story and more awareness about the Amish in book form. So far, I’m very happy with the results and I have Tim to eternally thank for offering me this platform.
If there are any questions I haven’t responded to, it’s because those are questions that will be answered in the book. I apologize for leaving you hanging, but the answers are quite lengthy and complex. They’re good questions, hence why it’ll take a book to answer them. : )
Torah
11:02 am
To ‘me’ who says the following:
“before we have another 3,000 posts that say “well, i’m NOT amish, and aren’t an expert, BUT i know this can’t be true…”
“please just stop and listen to yourselves for a second, and perhaps you will realize how ridiculous your statements are before you post them.
“and those who will devalue or try to diminish this woman’s experience from behind their keyboard, please also stop and listen to yourselves.”
Thank you! I really appreciate what you said. I’m very aware that by sharing my story, I’m opening myself up to all sorts of criticisms. This always happens on controversial issues. However, it’s very heartening to see that someone realizes the irony of a person who’s not Amish and not an expert speaking for the entire Amish community.
Cheers!
Torah
11:10 am
To ‘ex-ISKCON cult member’ who says the following:
‘I find it incredibly patronizing and dismissive for commenters to have such an outcry about these articles. Torah is telling her story and all you can do is pipe up in defense of a group that is, at best, condemning their children to a life of authoritarianism, ignorance, and isolation. They don’t allow their children to pursue education. How is that not a violation of their human rights?
‘I left a cult as well and when I try to speak about what happened to me on the inside, I get the same thing.”
Congratulations for escaping! It takes guts and an unwavering belief in oneself to do so.
And thank you for coming to my defense. : ) I’m very aware that by sharing my story, I’m opening myself up to all sorts of criticisms. That’s normal and natural for controversial issues. However, it’s very encouraging when someone who’s been in a similar situation speaks up.
My story is far from uncommon. It’s common within the Amish and it’s common in many societies—to less or more degrees. Through this blog and the book, my purpose is to inspire individuals to pursue their dreams no matter how impossible it may seem. To design their own lifestyles, the lifestyle they want (in true Tim Ferriss fashion!).
It is equally important that people become aware of issues within the Amish and that they are offered ways to take action to alleviate the plight of all those whose human rights are being violated, whether they are Amish or not.
Torah
11:55 am
I would like to hear Torah clarify what she means when she speaks of being beaten.
Was it a spanking on her bottom as is commonly done? Or was it an all out, let the blows land where they will, beating?
Also, what was used to give the beating?
One more question. I understand that Torah’s parents are no longer Amish. Is that correct?
Thank you for your time Torah.
12:31 pm
@joshua - Amish families can use refrigerators “powered” by propane (lp gas). These are also popular among renewable energy enthusiasts for use in off-grid homes. I’ve seen them displayed at the Midwest Renewable Energy fair in Wisconsin, offered for sale by an Amish gentleman.
Some examples:
http://www.gasrefrigerators.com/ and http://www.gasrefrigerators.com/howitworks.htm (how it works)
12:32 pm
This post really resonated with me, especially the earlier part about not just how hard it is but how much harder it seems to leave the life you don’t want to live and start over. This brought back memories of my decision to leave a bad 2-decade marriage and go after the life I wanted.
1:47 pm
Tim;
I’m not sure where your staying in Lake Buena Vista, but I’ve lived in Orlando for a while, but here’s a couple of quick suggestions.
At Disney, there’s lots of tourista type stuff right there at Disney.. Disney West Side is good. Movies, restaurants, Pleasure Island (which closes in Sept. to get redone into a more “family friendly” place. Check out Bongo’s Cuban Restaurant, then walk across the “street” and buy a fresh rolled cigar.
Take a drive into Winter Park, just northeast of Orlando. Meander up Park Ave. Lots of restaurants, window shopping, and big laurel oak trees.
Or, drive to Clermont. Take Hwy 192 west to Hwy 27, then turn north. 30 minutes up the road is Clermont, central florida’s center of Triathalon activity. Do a Google search of Brickhouse Pub, Clermont. Nice pub, lots of good beer and the chow’s pretty good.
Hope this helps.
2:28 pm
Hi Torah,
It takes great courage to leave your home at 15 and I acknowledge you for doing this and living the way you wanted. Starting over and learning a whole new world must have been scary. It doesn’t make sense to me that others would try to discount your life experiences, but so it apparently is.
I support you and encourage you to keep living as your heart wants to!
If you’re ever in LA, feel free to look me up. You’ve always got a friend here.
Sadie
5:33 pm
I am very pleased that Torah has taken the time to answer directly some of the questions that have been posed here. Unlike her, however, I believe some of the early posts pre-emptively scolding anyone who DARED question her account were way out of line. All things and all people may be questioned. That’s how truth is uncovered. Shutting down discussion is popular in politics and even science these days, but it’s not really productive.
That said, she answered the questions that came to mind, and did so thorougly and with grace. What a lady! My main question was whether her parents were notified right away that she was okay and safe. I’m not a parent, but I suppose if my daughter had disappeared in the middle of the night, I’d be terrified. She appears to have answered in the affirmative in a post above that her parents were called by her uncle.
The story truly is inspiring, and while I have heard rumblings about Amish children being rather severely dealt with when it came to punishment, I’ve never known any Amish personally. This was, therefore, a very personal and moving account and I think her for it.
Comparing the photo of her in Amish dress and a photo of her and bio on her Website’s “about” page, she has clearly emerged as a beautiful, talented and well-traveled woman (20 countries visited!) I can see why Tim was attracted by her story, since she is a bit of a Renaissance woman, doing a LOT of things (boxing?!) and enjoying life to the fullest, just as Tim seems to be doing.
Best of luck with the book!
5:36 pm
@Bruce
I also recommend a visit to Winter Park, FL. It’s a charming little town with quaint shops that seems plopped down in the middle of a state that can in places seem a bit plasticky and fake.
When I lived in Orlando, my family and I used to go there every weekend just to walk around and take in the scenery there.
7:17 pm
It’s truly a small, small world. I mentioned these posts to one of my close friends tonight. Turns out he knows Ruth “Torah” Bontrager quite well. In fact, my friend’s wife worked with “Torah” at a bakery over the time “Torah” left home.
Not only that, my friend’s wife is married to “Torah’s” sister.
(Do I call her by her given name or her assumed name? Since she goes by “Torah” I will use that out of respect.)
Before I go any further, I need to let you know I am a fairly harsh critic of the Amish and even of many of the Mennonites. I consider many of their churches to have many characteristics of a cult. The friend I reference here is of the same persuasion. My motive in posting this is not to defend the Amish, rather to share some balance to this discussion.
1. “Torah’s” parents are no longer Amish. In fact, they are pretty far from being Amish. So when “Torah” goes home to visit, she is not visiting Amish parents.
2. Torah’s siblings deny her claims. That is not proof in of itself. But when you consider the fact that they are no longer Amish themselves their denials carry a bit more credibility.
3. There are lots of other credibility issues going on here. I am not interested in throwing a lot of dirt. But I would give a strong caution to the owner of this blog about “hitching his horse to this buggy”. You operate with a lot of integrity. From what I have learned from various sources, including this friend I mentioned, there may be some credibility issues with “Torah’s” story. It is your choice but it would be worth considering my warning.
Of course, it’s a free world. I defend “Torah’s” legal right to tell her story how ever she sees fit. And there are many who will blindly rise to her defense by seeking to discredit those of us who cast doubt on her story.
BTW, I just saw a recent picture of Torah’s parents and siblings. Her father has no beard, does not dress “Amish”, drives a bus, etc.
Before you dismiss me, I can provide names, dates, photos, etc. to back up my claims. I can be contacted at my user name at gmail dot com.
Thank you for your time.
PS. “Torah”, I feel bad for your sake for doing this. I know all too well how badly the rejection hurts and God knows you don’t need more hurt. But the truth must be told, even if it “costs” you credibility.
7:55 pm
Tim,
This is a very brave young lady. Thank you for supplying a medium so we may hear her voice.
You need to apply to Teach for America. Your tools/methodologies would be an asset to the underprivileged.
http://www.teachforamerica.org
(as an alum working in sci/tech (and a huge fan of yours) it is actually pretty urgent)
-pura vida hermano
8:09 pm
On the issue of whether Amish have SS cards and numbers. I grew up Amish much like Torah, and when you file for SS exemption status you will be given a SS # if you did not have one before and that will be used for your tax fileing purposes and employment if needed.And you can only get an exemption by being a member in the church as the Amish Bishop has to file it for you.
8:49 pm
a. is there any evidence that torah’s accusations are true? many of these stories have turned out to be exaggerated or hoaxes. The woman, frankly is trying to sell a book. Nothing wrong with that, but extraordinary accusations require proof.
b. all communties religious, non religious, etc have problems with rape and incest, but some lower than others. Relative to the general population or other subgroups (like blacks who have a very high rape rate) what is the rape or violence rate amongst Amish? I ask this because it seems to be a bit of sensationalism here -
9:00 pm
Great article and T, it was cool reading about your experience. I remember when you made it to my dads house in Montana all those years ago. My dad never talked much about his experience in the Amish before he ran away at 15, but reading this post just gave me a reminder about some of the things he used to say about the Amish life. I’m glad he was there to help you. Anyway, I’m back in MX, so give me a call when you can. And please pass this on to my dad, he would love this.
10:59 pm
I know a good number of Amish. There is no doubt that they believe in physical punishment (as well as other forms of discipline which have more to do with withdrawal of privileges such as “going out to play”, not being allowed to fulfill responsibilities that would show you are “growing up”, etc.), but there is also a difference between spanking and beating. I am not going to claim that Torah was not beaten. Domestic abuse (whether spousal or child) is a problem in Amish communities, as it is in almost every American community (whether WASP, Hmong, African-Aemrican, Hispanic, Amerind, etc.). It does NOT deserve to be ignored or swept under the rug, any more than it does in any other setting. At any rate, ‘discipline’ and ‘beating’ are not synonymous in the Old Order communtiies I know (including in Ontario, WI and MI).
The issue that bothers me the most about how the Amish choose to raise their children is not allowing them to go to school beyond eighth grade. That dooms them to lead an unconsidered life in many cases. However, reasons for doing that range from their own teachers having not gone to school beyond eighth grade, to their religious beliefes that are such a part of the fabric of their lives that they can not let a government teach their children that the creation story is inaccurate and that children under 15 have no reason to know anything about sexuality (again, I am not saying I agree, I am saying that is where they are ocming from), and to the fact that most of the jobs they can take and still be “good Amishmen” do not require further education that they cannot obtain on their own reading journals and the like (farming, leatherworking, metalworking, cleaning, construction trades - which they cannot be licensed for in most cases…). I do know a few very intelligent people who refused to accept that completely and have done things become tax preparers through correspondence courses, or taken agricultural methods courses the same way. And i know a few others who chose to leave because of that.
That said, different communities do react differently to young adults who leave. It is hard to leave if you do not have a relative who has already left. And if you leave after having chosen to be baptized (between 17 and 25, usually), that is seen as a promise to God that you have broken, and not just rejecting your parents’ religion. I know Amish who welcome English neighbors occasionally, as someone mentioned above, who play Rook with their cousins whose parents left the church, and who shut people who have left out completely and don;t even tell them if a first degree relative has died.
Also, the propane refrigerator and possibly a water pump, is not unusual, even among the Old Order; and many people who have a refrigerator also have a hot water heater, powered in the same way. You do not need to have electricity to have those appliances.
Many Amish do not get social security numbers for their children (or did not before they started, fairly recently, requiring them to claim your children on your income taxes); some do get them at birth. Almost all will have a birth certificate, though the parents may not necessarily have a copy of it in the house, but they would be accessible in the county where they born. All the Amish I know do file income tax returns, because they are required in almost every case to get any benefits at all, or keep an employment record. If you have your own small business, it is even more important. And if you are Amish and employ other Amish (or English), you need to keep the records for their salaries too.
I do know about an equal number of communitites (or know of, in some detail) who do immunize their children, and who do not. It is another form of government intrusion, in some people’s opinions, but since a medical doctor for your family is, by definition, not Amish, and they typically push them, many people just do it to keep the government off their backs.
So there you go. Those are a few things that explain why her story is completely plausible, but also not necessary common. I have friends who were abused physically and emotionally by their parents, who were either catholic or protestant (or Jewish). I have other close friends (and some of the same ones) who suffered unimaginable incest trauma or generally hellish lives as children. I am NOT attempting to minimize Torah’s or their pain - far from it! Such abuse is inexcusable. But she is not alone. And until it is far less common if not unheard of, none of us can rest on our laurels or point fingers at “others”. I am thrilled that she escaped such a miserable excuse for a future. Many do not, and the patterns of abuse are simply repeated ad nasueum. And more power to her mom too, for trying to change her own patterns with the younger children. That is what it takes to break the cycles, especially when you are in a community that encourages more children rather than fewer, and is supposed to treat each one as the gift from God (”on loan in stewardship”) that they are.
11:06 pm
I know a good number of Amish. There is no doubt that they believe in physical punishment (as well as other forms of discipline which have more to do with withdrawal of privileges such as “going out to play”, not being allowed to fulfill responsibilities that would show you are “growing up”, etc.), but there is also a difference between spanking and beating. I am not going to claim that Torah was not beaten. Domestic abuse (whether spousal or child) is a problem in Amish communities, as it is in almost every American community (whether WASP, Hmong, African-American, Hispanic, Amerind, etc.). It does NOT deserve to be ignored or swept under the rug, any more than it does in any other setting. At any rate, ‘discipline’ and ‘beating’ are not synonymous in the Old Order communtiies I know (including in Ontario, WI and MI).
The issue that bothers me the most about how the Amish choose to raise their children is not allowing them to go to school beyond eighth grade. That dooms them to lead an unconsidered life in many cases. However, reasons for doing that range from their own teachers having not gone to school beyond eighth grade, to their religious beliefes that are such a part of the fabric of their lives that they can not let a government teach their children that the creation story is inaccurate and that children under 15 have no reason to know anything about sexuality (again, I am not saying I agree, I am saying that is where they are ocming from), and to the fact that most of the jobs they can take and still be “good Amishmen” do not require further education that they cannot obtain on their own reading journals and the like (farming, leatherworking, metalworking, cleaning, construction trades - which they cannot be licensed for in most cases…). I do know a few very intelligent people who refused to accept that completely and have done things become tax preparers through correspondence courses, or taken agricultural methods courses the same way. And i know a few others who chose to leave because of that.
That said, different communities do react differently to young adults who leave. It is hard to leave if you do not have a relative who has already left. And if you leave after having chosen to be baptized (between 17 and 25, usually), that is seen as a promise to God that you have broken, and not just rejecting your parents’ religion. I know Amish who welcome English neighbors occasionally, as someone mentioned above, who play Rook with their cousins whose parents left the church, and who shut people who have left out completely and don;t even tell them if a first degree relative has died.
Also, the propane refrigerator and possibly a water pump, is not unusual, even among the Old Order; and many people who have a refrigerator also have a hot water heater, powered in the same way. You do not need to have electricity to have those appliances.
Many Amish do not get social security numbers for their children (or did not before they started, fairly recently, requiring them to claim your children on your income taxes); some do get them at birth. Almost all will have a birth certificate, though the parents may not necessarily have a copy of it in the house, but they would be accessible in the county where they born. All the Amish I know do file income tax returns, because they are required in almost every case to get any benefits at all, or keep an employment record. If you have your own small business, it is even more important. And if you are Amish and employ other Amish (or English), you need to keep the records for their salaries too.
I do know about an equal number of communitites (or know of, in some detail) who do immunize their children, and who do not. It is another form of government intrusion, in some people’s opinions, but since a medical doctor for your family is, by definition, not Amish, and they typically push them, many people just do it to keep the government off their backs.
So there you go. Those are a few things that explain why her story is completely plausible, but also not necessary common. I have friends who were abused physically and emotionally by their parents, who were either catholic or protestant (or Jewish). I have other close friends (and some of the same ones) who suffered unimaginable incest trauma or generally hellish lives as children. I am NOT attempting to minimize Torah’s or their pain - far from it! Such abuse is inexcusable. But she is not alone. And until it is far less common if not unheard of, none of us can rest on our la