How to Test-Drive Friends and Irritate People 172 Comments

172 Responses to “How to Test-Drive Friends and Irritate People”

• Ben Licher
  November 15th, 2007
  7:19 am
  

  Leid een rijk leven zonder veel te doen
  Have a rich life without doing a lot

  Geweldig! Dit boek zal je leven veranderen
  Brilliant! This book will change your life

• Jay
  November 15th, 2007
  7:23 am
  

  The rough translation of the subtitle line is:

  “Lead a rich life without doing a lot” and the New York Times quote is: “This book will change your life”

  However the word “Geweldig” means “Terrible” though, so that doesn’t make a great deal of sense to me.

• Steven
  November 15th, 2007
  7:30 am
  

  “Leid een rijk leven zonder veel te doen”
  In English:
  “Lead a rich life without doing much”

  I think this would have been a better pitch:
  “Leid een rijk leven zonder veel te werken”
  In English:
  “Lead a rich life without working much”
  Since not doing much is pretty boring, and exactly the opposite of the message you are bringing. I see the 4hr workweek more as “work less, do more, lead a rich/fulfilling life” … anyways … I was just going to translate this :-), so …

  “Geweldig! Dit boek zal je leven veranderen.”
  In English:
  “Amazing/Great/Wonderful! This book will change your life.”

• Remco van Essen
  November 15th, 2007
  7:42 am
  

  Here is the translation of the dutch book:
  title: “A workweek of four hours”
  subtitle: “Have a rich life without doing too much”
  quote: “Amazing! This book will change your life!”

  b.t.w. I read your book in english since the translation was not available yet. Loved it!

• Henrik
  November 15th, 2007
  7:46 am
  

  Any plans on publishing it in Sweden?

• Laurens
  November 15th, 2007
  7:58 am
  

  Leid een rijk leven zonder veel te doen”

  “Have A rich Life withouth doing much” or “Have a rich Life witouth to much work”

  “Geweldig! Dit boek zal je leven veranderen. -New York Times”

  “Great! This will change your life.”

• Simon
  November 15th, 2007
  8:02 am
  

  The Dutch translation:
  Leid een rijk leven zonder veel te doen”
  Lead a rich life without having to do a lot

  “Geweldig! Dit boek zal je leven veranderen.

  Excelent! This book will change your life

• Jan
  November 15th, 2007
  8:03 am
  

  > Can anyone translate the subtitle and quote?

  > “Leid een rijk leven zonder veel te doen”

  Literally: Lead a rich life without doing much

  > “Geweldig! Dit boek zal je leven veranderen.
  > -New York Times”

  Terrific! This book will change your life.

• Remco
  November 15th, 2007
  7:04 am
  

  Timothy,

  Free translation of the Dutch subtitle ‘Leid een rijk leven zonder veel te doen’:

  Live a wealthy life without working hard.

  ‘Geweldig’ means Great/Fantastic.

• Alex
  November 15th, 2007
  9:28 am
  

  Mr. Ferris,

  The way summed up in these verses will hardly enable one to be good.

  You fail to recognize that in order to stimulate certain behaviors in a peer through your recommendations, one risks sacrificing one’s own values and integrity. To intentionally deceive or mislead a person with whom you may like to build a relationship seems rather asinine.

  I find this advise sorely misplaced. Your readers and all others ought to comport themselves with honesty and integrity.

• William
  November 15th, 2007
  9:46 am
  

  Not only did this post make me think of my own actions when I’m in stressful situations, but it makes solid commentary about cutting to the chase in the most difficult arena on the planet, human relationships.

  I’d say these are excellent techniques for job interviews.

• Allen
  November 15th, 2007
  9:58 am
  

  Fantastic stuff. I find that those who perform well in nice neat formal settings are rarely the ones who perform well under extreeme conditions. The best thing we can do in life is make conscious decisions regarding who we will associate with and what behaviours we will accept. We’re all to often too far down the road before we realize who we are dealing with.

• Erik Cox
  November 15th, 2007
  10:00 am
  

  Whoa, nice language list… How does it feel to be an internationally known and published author? Well done!

  Good points on testing personalities, I wish I had done that with the last couple of friends I chose to go on vacation with!

  As always, keep up the greatness!

  -E

• Bart
  November 15th, 2007
  10:03 am
  

  Congratulations!
  I am dutch and read your book in English. I found that there is quite some information specific for Americans (several business tips and reference websites for example). Is this information translated to Dutch, or is it rewritten to apply more to the Netherlands?

• Bart
  November 15th, 2007
  10:27 am
  

  Congratulations!
  I am Dutch but read it in English (only version available at the time, I loved it), but now it is in Dutch too, nice. Is the book a direct translation from English to Dutch, or is the business information directed more to the Netherlands?
  (sorry if I posted this twice, not sure the previous comment got through)

• Jose Castro
  November 15th, 2007
  10:40 am
  

  Great Blog,

  It is often late in the game before one realizes whom they are really with. These are good strategies to see what surprises the other is holding for you. May I also suggest that one may also observe complete different behavior if it is just you rather than you and some of your friends.

  Have a great Day,

  Jose Castro-Frenzel

• Kendra
  November 15th, 2007
  10:42 am
  

  Did you have your date with the auction winner yet? And did you try these methods on her? lol

• Ryan
  November 15th, 2007
  10:42 am
  

  Great post Tim,

  I think that is essential to find out early about toxic or potentially toxic releationships. Thanks for the great pointers.

• Janice C Cartier
  November 15th, 2007
  10:52 am
  

  You made my morning. Laughed totally out loud AND am adopting your strategy. Do ya realize therapists are gonna have a lotta free time if people take you up on this? ( they can then buy your book) Love it!
  Merci and congrats on all your many successes. Laissez les bons temps….Jan

• Marshall Cant
  November 15th, 2007
  11:00 am
  

  Tim: loved the post. I have one my Mother taught me that is similar to your restaurant test. She told that when you go out for dinner observe how your date interacts with the server. If they are nice to you but unkind or rude to the server then they are not worth spending time with.
  Congrats on the huge success of the book. I’m a fan.
  Marshall

• Lawrence
  November 15th, 2007
  11:00 am
  

  I work in customer service and was fascinated by this line,

  “Take them to a restaurant with good food but bad service. (Testing: how diplomatically they contend with and resolve incompetence, which is the default mode of the universe)”

  Could you expound on this? I think I understand what you mean, but not fully. What do you mean by “default mode of the universe”? TIA

  Lawrence

• Rachel
  November 15th, 2007
  11:01 am
  

  You could also always steal their phone number and see how they respond. (Testing: general awesomeness at life.) :)

• Scott Desgrosseilliers
  November 15th, 2007
  11:25 am
  

  I agree with your observations that you learn about people under adversity or duress. I am surprised you have to make up these situations, doesn’t something occur naturally? Or are you too impatient to wait for that to occur?

• Caleb Conner
  November 15th, 2007
  11:43 am
  

  Great ideas! I met my wife after a 2 hour interrogation of her last boyfriend. I initially thought she was the devil! Sometimes you need to go and see for yourself.
  Caleb

• Michael Grahem
  November 15th, 2007
  11:43 am
  

  1. Your book is great, but this is nuts. That’s why you still post on match.com and don’t have longterm romantic relationships. “Explore the most controversial topics until you find something the two of you disagree on. Ask them to explain why people have the opposing viewpoint. I use this mostly for potential romantic partners and potential travelmates.”

  2. The way employees, friends and partners behave under stress is a factor to consider, but it isn’t *everything*. Sometimes my most loyal and best employees (and partners) perform terribly under stress and crawled into a corner, and sometimes the biggest flakes and thieves are amazing under fire.

• Lauren
  November 15th, 2007
  11:44 am
  

  Great post about testing people. It’s funny that I’ve been watching this with friends, business associates, and even romances. I’m only learning now what to do with this toxicity when I encounter it; it’s sometimes shocking what I see in others under even minimal adversity. I also find interesting my reticence to dump toxic friends/associates – what does this show about me?! Fascinating thought-proving post.

• Amanda
  November 15th, 2007
  11:58 am
  

  What does it mean when you say, “You are the AVERAGAE of the 5 or so people you associate with most?” Does it mean, you are who you kick it with. (similar to you are what you eat)That they are a reflection of you and you them?

  Thanx for your blogging. Your truly a blessing.

  Amanda

• Doug
  November 15th, 2007
  12:03 pm
  

  Reminds me of an old joke.
  A rich man is dating three women. He decides it is time to get married, so gives each $10,000 to spend how they want.
  The blond spends it on a spa and beauty day for herself and tells him “I want to be beautiful for you.”
  The brunette spends it on a fancy weekend away for just the tow of them.
  The red head spends it on football tickets and a party for him and his friends.
  Which one did he marry?

  Wait for it….

  The one with the big you-know-what. Duh!

• Ernst
  November 15th, 2007
  12:24 pm
  

  Kendra, I was thinking the exact same thing! And if the answer is “yes”, I wonder if Tim tried all six techniques on the poor lass (or lad?).

  By the time we get to number six I would have wanted to wrestle Tim to the ground (but wouldn’t, of course, because he would kick my bottom, so to speak). However, I might just be tempted to make funny faces when he’s not looking. Would this count as toxic?

  Seriously, I routinely accomplish #1-4 without even trying. Bless my wife of ten years who, she says, is still in love with me.

  Ernst

• JH
  November 15th, 2007
  12:30 pm
  

  Dude,

  You have much good info to share, but coffee and food binges/control, manipulation of others, debting – all of these are manifestations of addiction, which usually result from a family’s alchoholism or abuse patterns .

  Maybe you should travel your ass to a shrink for a while, instead of all around the world.

  Take care of your body!

  Good Luck.

• Dave
  November 15th, 2007
  1:05 pm
  

  Isn’t a friend someone you get to know over time? Even if you play these games with someone they are not going to be their real selves. Think about how you act on a first date. You’re probably going to be a lot nicer than you normally would. I’m not saying that over time people become jerks, but they also don’t always go over the top to stay calm and nice after they’ve gotten to know someone. Most people wouldn’t get upset for being 30 minutes late/early. What’s funny is this probably will backfire more than it will help you in the long-run. How many people are going to say, “I’m not upset, but I’m not all too excited that this guy gave me the wrong reservation time. The first impressions you’re giving the other person will likely drive good people away from you. Why would you assume someone would want to continue to hang out with you after you play these games? Then consider what they would do if they ever found out what you were up to. Dishonestly–a great start to a relationship! How about just being observant to real-life scenarios that confront these friends?

  I loved your book. I enjoy this blog. But this post is stupid and ignorant.

• Kristi
  November 15th, 2007
  1:05 pm
  

  I love your list of “tests”. My husband and I were in two car accidents while we were dating – another good stress opportunity to see the character of a person, but not one I recommend necessarily. We also took several road trips together, which can bring out great idiosyncrasies.

  My only concern is #5 – You don’t want to eliminate too quickly some great introverts who might not enjoy overly-crowded situations only because their energy gets depleted there, not because of biases.

• Reg Adkins
  November 15th, 2007
  1:56 pm
  

  Although, I have read your book I believe this is my first visit to your web log.

  Your personality experiment is interesting.

  But, personality is situational. Your personality in a mixed martial arts bout is not the same as your personality during a romantic dinner.

  However, the temperament underneath is unchanging. Try guaging a persons need for control, inclusion and affection. Then you will have a true assessment of whether they warrant your emotional investment.

  Loved the book!

• Carlos
  November 15th, 2007
  2:06 pm
  

  Hello…
  I did not locate your book, in catalogue of the publishing company in the Brazil. Also I did not find in the 3 bigger bookstores online in Brazil.
  Any help is welcome… :)

• Lissa Bergin-Boles
  November 15th, 2007
  2:20 pm
  

  Wow. This one’s bound to get some attention – and, in my opinion – become a classic post. Well said.

  As a life coach married to a life coach with a specialty in relationship, we see the aftermath of this problem in people’s lives way too frequently. And your post does a brilliant job of highlighting one of the reasons why:

  “Most people spend more time planning their weekends than their relationships. Don’t make that mistake. You are the average of the 5 or so people you associate with most.”

  Most folks we talk to:

  - don’t understand (and often haven’t even considered) they have the right to friendship/relationship standards right from the beginning. The idea that they can innovate in the ways you’ve suggested doesn’t even cross their mind (kind of like designing their life to suit themselves hadn’t till they read your book).

  - don’t have the tools they need to reach an understanding of what their standards and preference are, much less how to apply or maintaini them. To be honest, most folks don’t know how to identify their personal values, and relationship standards rely on personal values, so this becomes an even bigger stretch. Awareness of both are so vitally important to happiness and choice.

  - are socialized to be ‘nice’, and the very idea of test-driving relationships, or holding firm standards and saying ‘no’ well, is a hard sell and an even harder practice, real-time/real-life.

  - don’t know how to handle hurt well, and tend to take ‘bad behavior’ so personally they lose the the ability to objectively weigh the ROI and make a positive choice.

  - many are so hungry for real connection, and unskilled at knowing how to achieve or maintain it (for the reasons mentioned above), they’re tentative or soft when applying standards and values. Too often folks feel like their best option is to go for ‘the best they can get’. We call this strategy ‘playing not to lose using someone else’s rules’, and most of the time its simply a function of ‘doing’ relationship they way relationship has been modelled to them. They just don’t understand that they have creative authority, or that all models (structures, rules, laws) are made to be remade and the power to do that is ours.

  I’m betting that a number who read this post find your ideas and suggestions refreshing, intriguing, even titilating – and a little unsettling. I practice this stuff, and I was unsettled.

  After thinking about it a bit, I started to realize why.

  There’s a delicate, situational balance to be found and had here. One size never fits all, and the mistaken belief that blanket applications work can also cause big problems. It’s the whole ‘model’ thing in action again.

  AND ‘testing’ can become a pretty closed and suspicious way of living. We’ve worked with a number of people who’ve been hurt and use impossibly high and unbending standards – and ‘testing’ – as a means of self-protection. Not much gets in to hurt or rattle you, but not much gets in to heal or rings your bells either.

  At the end of the day nobody is cool all the time: everybody’s got their bumps, lumps, ghosts and buggaboos.

  And sometimes it less about whether people freak, falter or blow up and more about who they are AFTER they’ve blown their stack that’s the best measure of character and intent.

  One of the ways I ‘test’ is watching to see if someone is capable of genuine remorse and willing responsibility to make balanced ammends after the fact. It takes guts, grit, integrity and self-awareness to own a goof that way, and I want friends and loved ones like that in my corner.

  I’m betting you do too.

  Congrats on all the international book launches. And thanks for one of the best BLOGs on life, situational learning and alternative perspectives. I love it.

  Now, I have to admit to a little bit of queasiness about the

  we’re often helping people realize they have the right to relationship standards like the ones you’re mentioningit’s sad how frequently we head

• Coach Kip
  November 15th, 2007
  2:29 pm
  

  Wow those are some really harsh tactics. Very interesting though. I see that I have done some of these on a non conscious level. I guess that I should tune into these and see how the reactions are.

  Thanks for the ideas.

• Jen
  November 15th, 2007
  2:32 pm
  

  Tim,

  This is far to easy of a test. Not to mention that people are always on their best behavior initially regardless of the situation.

  Secondly (sorry…I’m not trying to blow too much smoke up your ass) – I think it’s a wee bit delusional to think you’re going to draw out a women’s less than attractive personality, by getting lost with her for the weekend. OH GOD. How would one cope!? In fact, you’ll probably achieve a life long stalker.

  In reality, I think everyone warms up to a good fighting spirit with others. Most of us let the small things roll and keep ourselves geared up for the good stuff. You can’t have a toxic relationship from the get go! You have to let lots of resentments and unspoken slights add up until you both hate eachother but can’t be bothered to discuss it.

  The quickest way – just allow them to feel comfortable and open. I find people say the most jaw-dropping things when they forget to be defensive.

• April
  November 15th, 2007
  2:42 pm
  

  Greetings again! First off I love the strategies you sagely suggest to employ because they give a real sense of accountability. I can’t tell you how many times I hear exhausted phrases such as “I’m sick of the drama!” “No more drama!” from folks that don’t realize that they are often the gigantic piles of poo that flies (see: drama queens) find so attractive. Like attracts like.

  I find it interesting though that your system primarily focuses upon separating those that can surf the tides of chaos from those that freakout and flounder. Which makes sense while you seek out those that can sustain both the energy and zen like calmness to jet set alongside you ;)

  I myself have a number of other social “tests” with which I use to diagnose other specified character deficiencies and target character strengths namely: creativity, spirituality, dry humor, punctuality, flexibility, compassion, etc. etc. etc.

  I must make note here on male/female conversational relations. It doesn’t surprise me that you seek a chick who can fight (intellectually speaking). Smart guys enjoy smart gals who can banter along with the best-but this is a very delicate space to play in because more often than not a woman presents herself with the foundation of emotion and compassion and articulates herself in holistic sort of a way. A man seems to look for things to break down, pick apart, slice, sever, poke, prod, and dominate. Facts, logic, etc. etc.

  A man is looking for the weaknesses in an argument. The opponent (in this case the conversational partner) is respected based on how well their ideas can “hold up” to battering.
  A woman is building up and nurturing the values of a conversation in order to bond and make links with the other person.

  Hmm…I could go on and on. I apologize for this being kind of off the cuff and now abruptly cut short.

  You gave me food for thought. Thank you :)

• Michael P
  November 15th, 2007
  3:01 pm
  

  Unreal analysis of relationships. Congrats on the NY Times exposure!

• Jaya
  November 15th, 2007
  3:41 pm
  

  Tim, I usually agree with you, but I think you’re completely whacked-out on this one! *winks*

  One of the biggest flaws in your system is that you are LOOKING for defects. Well darlin, if that’s what you’re looking for, then the filters of your perception are going to bias your towards the negative.

  While you’re busy setting up manipultative tests, you’re not really being present with the person. There’s a split where on a surface level you’re connecting with them, but on another level you are hiding your thoughts and judging.

  It seems to me that you’re setting your relationships to fail, not just with the flaw-testing, but by not engainging with an open mind and heart. Blech. It might be mental fun for you, but I think you’d be killing any REAL spontenaity and the natural relaxed fun of being with someone.

  Now that I’ve said what I don’t like about your methodology, I’ll agree with a couple underlying points to your premise.

  1. How people respond to problems does indeed tell you MUCH more about their character/personality than when things are going well.

  2. Since problems are regularly occurring thing in life, it’s best to hang with people who deal with problems well.

  I’ll toss a quote from my grandmother in here too:

  “Never date someone who has more problems than you do.”

• Kristine Halverson
  November 15th, 2007
  3:52 pm
  

  Hello Tim,

  Your lastest blog on human behavior and testing limits is interesting. You warn us by saying to read the blog before judging you an a@@hole. Which I did. Your testing of others does push the line of bringing truth to situations versus engineering them. It reminds me of a time when I was doing social work/counseling for the seriously menatlly ill population. After leaving that career during which I was exposed to trajic human conditions. I wondered how could I quickly assess the average person. I wanted to know how strong and stable someone was before I spent my precious time with them. I soon realized that there are no guarantees and to artifically manufacture a scenario does not bring out the truth. Which is where I wanted to spend my time. In truth and beauty of each moment.

  The more you are aware of your truth and limits then it will be easier to see it in others, and quickly! At times I read chapters in a book by Pema Chodron, The Place That Scares You, A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times. Her writing and wisdom of truth brings wholeness into the moment which allows me to see myself and surroundings more clearly. Try another way to test limits…what do you have to lose? or gain? :) Kristine

• Linkedin-Entrepreneurs
  November 15th, 2007
  4:03 pm
  

  Now what happens if two 4hww blog readers go on a date? I guess they’d figure eachother out after missing the train and the bus and ending up at a restaurant with good food but bad service, because when it came time to pay the bill, both of them would have forgotten their wallets! ;)

  QUESTION FOR TIM:
  what do you think when someone shows up late for a date, and doesn’t seem to care, or makes an excuse like “oh well, I’m always late, don’t take it personally”? I remember Dan Kennedy (my mentor) saying that’s his first clue not to trust them. I thought that was a harsh position, but over the years I have learned to not ignore these early warning flags, especially with business relationships. Also, what other signs do you look for or things do you test for when evaluating a potential business partner or employee? Is there an easy test for loyalty, or one to see if they can keep a trade secret?

  thanks T.F.!
  V.

• Sean
  November 15th, 2007
  4:43 pm
  

  I liked point number 4 the most – how they deal with money can tell you a great deal about them.

  I’ve found I have friends that will ask me for $2-3 when they buy me a drink, but they’ll go to a bar and buy random girls $12 drinks.

  Definitely a good way to test out a new date.

  Sean

• Name (required)
  November 15th, 2007
  6:17 pm
  

  So your saying be early to dinner in new york, forget your wallet, take the subway and talk about religion, politics & sex? Hahahaha.

  One thing your forgetting from this is that some people wont meet your requirements right away because they would have to build up trust with you first. If someone who I just met asked me to cover an expensive dinner, I would be a bit leary of them at first. If it was a friend of a few months i would gladly do it. Trust can take time to develop.

  Also, people are going to form an opinion of you being a disorganized, non-punctual klutz with this approach. Is that who YOU truly are?? What would you think of someone who did this to YOU?

• Tim Ferriss
  November 15th, 2007
  6:19 pm
  

  ###

  Hi All!

  Wow… I love the dialog, and thanks for contributing. A few things:

  1. Could it be that I used this entire post to see how different readers would respond to a controversial viewpoint? :)

  2. I often use this blog to develop ideas I’m playing with or exploring. I don’t use all 6 of these potential approaches on everyone; not at all. These are just a few examples of how people demonstrate character, and some don’t apply well to all people (like introverts, as one person noted). These are just some ideas that I find interesting.

  3. I haven’t had my date yet, but I most likely won’t be barraging her with all sorts of manufactured disasters! That’s not my style — again, this post is exploring a few concepts. I’m a bit more subtle, and I’d like to think nicer, than that!

  4. “That’s why I don’t have a girlfriend/wife/etc.” Not true. My past relationships have been great, and I date plenty. I just have extremely high standards. I haven’t found the right person for a lifelong relationship — that’s why I’m not married yet, not because I keep on creating stressful situations for dates who get fed up and punch me in the face :)

  5. For tardiness: I forgive people once or twice if they have good reasons. After that, I just leave or remove them from my life. I don’t have time to constantly wait for people who don’t value the time of others. Just like in personal outsourcing, I gauge reliability before everything else. Every once in a while, sh*t happens and people are late — that’s fine. But if it’s a habit, that’s fatal.

  Keep the ideas and observations (tweaks and other suggestions, too) coming!

  Thanks for contributing,

  Tim

• gracie
  November 15th, 2007
  6:31 pm
  

  Five? My circle of friends is smaller than that; something which took years to accomplish doing a lot of what you talk about in this post. BTW thanks for some very cool glimpses into a life worth living.

• Christian
  November 15th, 2007
  6:40 pm
  

  Tim,

  Point 5 in your comment: if tardiness is a habit, it’s “fatal”. That’s a cultural viewpoint. In many other cultures a meeting time is a reference point, not an inflection point (hence the term of “island time”)

  I try to evaluate tardiness along with other attributes:
  - Is the person “scatterbrained” but wonderful in other ways?

  - Is the lateness an indication of a lack of concern for others, and do I see that in other encounters? (Fatal)

  - Is the person over stressed and over committed – and if other aspects of their character are positive, can I help them?

  - Is their life going through a chaotic patch?

  - Do they pass the other “tests”, but have a bad habit of being late, and constantly regret it? If so, offering them some tips (for example: make it a rule that you will arrive 1/2 an hour early for everthing … that way you get there right on time). If they refuse to take the help, or change then, for me, it’s fatal.

  When you spend a weekend getting lost you are letting go of time and deadlines. Perhaps you could also take the time to get a better read on someone before dismissing them.

  (BTW: When I’m caught in the rain I stop, stretch my arms out and lift my face to the sky. If it makes me late, I don’t care. Some experiences are well worth it ;) )

• april muse
  November 15th, 2007
  8:51 pm
  

  Follow-up:

  Tim: Point 5. is something for people to understand when incorporating this strategy. We all deserve to be allowed a “grace period” when developing relationships. Also the best of us should extend grace to others and honor everyone’s potential to share with us in life. The key factor in all this is CONSISTENCY. Someone is consistently making excuses for crappy behavior? Well that means you’ll consistently feel drained. Drop em. If they bounce and make amends that consistently add up…awesome. The lazy uninspired folks that don’t break out of their patterns won’t be able to keep up with transcendence.

  On another note: I’ve been going through the comments here and I find it interesting how emotionally attached a few people are to the idea of observing behavior (”you are looking for defects” as one person opined). Observation is neutral. As far as I could tell from your original post the idea isn’t “primarily” about targeting negative behavior. It is about creating a scene of chaos through which a characteristic can be displayed within-negative OR positive.

  I do wonder about your furtive methods-orchastrating frustrating social events. Not most peoples style. There are subtler means of “testing” I have found…and then there is the multitude of Fateful coincidences that occur day in and day out. What is needed there is just the ability to sit back…and take note.

  Keep it coming…I feel…endlessly intrigued.

• Mark
  November 15th, 2007
  9:21 pm
  

  Tim,

  So let me see if I’ve got this straight…

  You want us to play cruel, manipulative games with people so we can judge how they’ll react?

  Would you want to be friends with someone who pulled this kind of crap on YOU?

  You’re right – life is too short to deal with jerks. Unfortunately you keep representing yourself as one of them. Instead of promoting good values like honesty, responsibility, and integrity, you advertise the opposite. Why the comments on this blog only seem to kiss your butt, I haven’t a clue. behold,

• Trad Oatlig
  November 15th, 2007
  11:08 pm
  

  I love this post. First, it reminds me of one of my favorite books “How to Lose Friends & Infuriate People” by Jonar C. Nader on zero tolerance to have more efficiency and effectiveness in your professional life.

  Second, the options for testing friends automatically forces me, as the reader, to evaluate how I myself would react and how I have reacted in the past to these exact or similar situations.

  Although just a small opinion (my fellow Filipinos may not share my view on this), I have always noticed we Filipinos are very tolerant to a fault when it comes to such uncomfortable social situations especially with our acquaintances and guests. Hence, some of our favorite phrases are “no problem” and “Ok lang yun (that’s Ok)”. And we are usually very sincere using them; other times we might keep score silently.

  So we might have to consider culture as a factor when conducting this experiment.

• Raina Gustafson
  November 15th, 2007
  11:16 pm
  

  Victory, you are just too cool! I love your sense of humor.

  I have been thinking about this post all day, and this is what I’ve come up with.

  In this instance, Tim seems to be primarily speaking in terms of social psychology – with the reference to the effect that the 5 major influences in our lives have, and the discussion of tardiness, behavior in public, etc. While I would only deliberately apply these tests in a situation where my intuition had rendered me already suspicious of someone, it makes sense to me.

  However, I do also strongly feel that there is an entire other realm – a plane beyond time and space and situation that human relationships can dwell in. I think that human bonds – no matter how random, flawed or fleeting – can be sacred if we allow them to be. At that point, the differentiation between the relationship with the Other and the relationship with the Self begins to break down and dissolve. And at the end of the day, all relationships are merely mirrors pointing back at our own inner lives. No matter how pathetic or horrid or just plain misguided an associates words or behavior may be – it doesn’t have to affect us. But, we are human with permeable boundaries – and the more sensitive and permeable we are as an individual – the more aware of our surroundings and our own core we need to be. So… then the whole conversation comes full circle.

  Mystics usually begin their journeys with incredible discipline and rigor before they transcend the need for it. Perhaps Tim is a modern-day mystic.

• Raina Gustafson
  November 15th, 2007
  11:18 pm
  

  Oh, and I love the “Freak Out” photo at the top. I smile every time I see it.

• Erin Blaskie
  November 15th, 2007
  11:20 pm
  

  Hi Tim!

  As an avid reader of your blog, a lover of your book and a past ‘Timothy Ferriss’ hater (yes, I admit it!) I have to say, I am officially in love. :)

  Great post… Just as good – the follow-up comments.

  Erin Blaskie

• Alan!
  November 15th, 2007
  11:44 pm
  

  ” (Testing: how diplomatically they contend with and resolve incompetence, which is the default mode of the universe)”

  Tim, this is f*ing gold!

  Best quote I’ve read this year. I *will* meet you ;-)

  Alan

• Robin
  November 16th, 2007
  2:14 am
  

  These are interesting experiments – definitely food for thought. It’s fresh and controversial. Love it.

  I suspect, thought, that some of these tests may lead to a “false negative” result … especially if you are testing people at the beginning of a relationship. People may be willing to give some slack to friends where they know their character but with strangers they may be a bit less easy going.

• Another Tim
  November 16th, 2007
  2:38 am
  

  This is awesome Tim….

  I have dated for the past few years since my divorce — and after a couple of years … I got tired of wasting my time with bad investments … so I created similar tests that allowed me to ‘fast forward’ – or ‘test – drive ‘ ( as you posted ) these ‘potentials’.

  Great ideas as always!

• Jose Castro
  November 16th, 2007
  3:01 am
  

  Does it get better? This guy really has the basics down, I have been to a number of different seminars including Anthony Robbins and this is really just practical. Keep your standards high and the best point I think he made was the following:
  “5. For tardiness: I forgive people once or twice if they have good reasons. After that, I just leave or remove them from my life. I don’t have time to constantly wait for people who don’t value the time of others. Just like in personal outsourcing, I gauge reliability before everything else. Every once in a while, sh*t happens and people are late — that’s fine. But if it’s a habit, that’s fatal.”

  Everyone please embrace this concept. Leave or remove what is not giving you a positive influence. If its not helping then it must be the other: NEGATIVE influence.

  Happy Thanks Giving to ALL!!!

  Jose Castro-Frenzel

• Jose Castro
  November 16th, 2007
  3:15 am
  

  Follow Up to April Muse’s comment. I think TIm does offer this as another option to see how people react. It may sound a bit harsh, but would one rather see an explosive behavior from someone in public. This may actually be a more subtle test than one may see on the surface. It is sometimes difficult to understand new methods, though they can provide innovative alternatives for improvement. We only live once, lets make a journey to remember!!!

  Cheers

  Jose Castro-Frenzel

• cliff
  November 16th, 2007
  4:38 am
  

  Hahaha! I do this quite a bit actually. Once I voiced an unpopular opinion with my freshman block just to see who would stick by their guns. I’m crazy that way.

• clint
  November 16th, 2007
  6:28 am
  

  Well, I guess your only a young fella.

  In twenty years time your bound to look back at this blog and go “what the hell was I thinking”? And then, laugh it off as the thoughts and ramblings of a young fool.

  Keep up the interesting topics. You write well.

• Geros mintys iš ger? žmoni? (Lapkri?io 16 d.) at geriau negu vakar, blogiau negu rytoj.
  November 16th, 2007
  7:55 am
  

  [...] “How to Test-Drive Friends and Irritate People” turi šiek tiek ir cinišk? motyv?, bet… Kam tempti gum?, jeigu tuo ar žmogus yra tikras [...]

• Tyler
  November 16th, 2007
  9:39 am
  

  Great post, test early and often and keep your standards high. We really do take on characterisitcs of those we surround ourselves with most, mostly unconscious. So it is so important to make sure those people are a positive influence, people who are easy going and dont take life too seriously.

• thom singer
  November 16th, 2007
  10:52 am
  

  Whoa. Wait a second.

  I agree with you that time does reveal the true character of people and that some people act and mislead you in the early stages. This sucks, it is wrong, and it is bad.

  HOWEVER, people are not your own personal science experiment. They are not rats in a lab that you get to toy with see how they react. The things you are suggesting are just as one sided and shitty as what the liars, cheat and frauds are doing to you.

  I think too many people look at realtionships and thing “How will this relationship benefit ME!”. Your “tests” of how people react are one sided. It says “let me make sure that they will be a good friend to ME and be worth MY time and investment in this relationship so that I can save MY time if they are not a fit”.

  It just leaves me feeling icky to think that folks are “testing” eachother to decide if the other person is “worth” it.

  Giving people the benefit of the doubt (that they are good) does take time and many folks will let you down in life. But one cannot make every personal decision based on how it effects their own personal experience…or by conducting a cost benefit analysis of every friendship. That is awfully selfish.

• Inntee
  November 16th, 2007
  11:01 am
  

  Interesting to hear this viewpoint. In my dating days, a couple of dates tried somewhat similar tests on me. I got out of those relationships very quickly, since I have no appetite for anyone who wants to manipulate me. I considered their testing me to be a strong indication of a flaw in THEIR personality!

  The underlying premise of the post, though — that you can learn a lot about someone’s personality by observation — is of course quite correct. It’s a useful reminder.

• Allan W.
  November 16th, 2007
  11:18 am
  

  I only have time for a few quick thoughts, so here goes!

  I think the general principle is sound: relationships that have weathered trials 1.) continue on if they survive the trials; and 2.) become stronger as a result. I’ve been married for 12 years now to a wonderful woman I’ve faced many trials with (road trips, adventures – some life-threatening), and our relationship has only improved over time. (Ha! I didn’t see, she posted the story above).

  However, I think creating purely artificial scenarios is a bit, well, dishonest. How would you feel if you discovered you’d been “gamed” in this way? All in the interest of saving precious time & energy? If you’re evaluating a business partner or employee, that’s one thing, but for a purely social relationship, it’s a bit too deceptive.

  I am a fan of observing how people respond to stress or unusual situations. Heck, observing & recapping how I respond to stress is enough work!

  One way I do use these techniques in social situations: overtly choose difficult scenarios. My buddies that have gone mountain climbing (or otherwise adventuring, with some element of hardship and risk) have proven themselves to be either trustworthy & reliable friends, or not. Asking people to come serve in our multi-ethnic children’s ministry illuminates their character quickly by how they handle it. Those who show up when you need a hand (moving, fence building, volunteering, etc.) are ones you can count on.

  I’ve also found that there’s a few people, who by dint of personality are just a little more difficult to manage sometimes… can be well worth the patience. It’s hard to gauge, I know, but don’t write people off too quickly. They can surprise you (or save your life when you least expect it).

  All this makes me think what a sucky friend I’ve been to people at times. I think I tend to cut people loose too soon sometimes, instead of being patient or making more effort to maintain a friendship.

• Molly
  November 16th, 2007
  11:25 am
  

  “Relationships cost a premium of attention and time, and I—like most–want people in my life whose real personalities and motives will uplift and strengthen me instead of drain and demoralize me.”

  Are your relationships are so emtionally expensive? I agree that you should surround yourself with uplifting, not toxic, people. And agree that observing how people react in adverse situations is an entertaining experiment. But, the whole premise that their performance determines your relationship with them because you want a positive return on your emotional investment is depressing. The fact that you even discuss emotions and relationships in those terms implies that the emotional currency needed to invest in relationships is finite and could one day be depleted. You would be bankrupt . . . and alone . . . and sad all the time.

  And anyway, one of your ideals is that life shouldn’t be so damn hard, no? This whole testing and relationship finance planning sounds, to me, more attention and time consuming than actually having a relationship, uplifting or toxic.

• Lee
  November 16th, 2007
  11:39 am
  

  read “Real Love” by Greg Baer and you will see how you save time and found out what people really are about in about 2 minutes without having to manipulate them.

  Lee

• TJ
  November 16th, 2007
  12:58 pm
  

  I grew up in NJ so I had a chip on my shoulder like: who are you to tell me anything? Then in college, I realized that my behavior kept the people who weren’t like me away… Now that I’m a bit older, I realize that my approach to life is two-fold:

  a) it saves me a lot of trouble b/c i dont have to deal w/ people who i wont get along with
  b) it save those people a lot of headaches b/c they dont have to deal w/ me

  Do what you need to do to be happy, it is YOUR life.

  Cheers.

• Persephone
  November 16th, 2007
  1:04 pm
  

  Your perspective is awesome, as always! It fascinates me to see the way the manipulating type of person thinks.

  RE: “…incompetence, which is the default mode of the universe”

  I would say it’s the default mode of humanity. The universe seems to be, and to have been for a long time, working pretty well!

  Also as to number 5, it might be good to separate out the issue of personal space from racial/socioeconomic bias, not necessarily hand in hand issues.

  Love your blog; best of luck to you!

• Thinking About [Other People’s] Thoughts
  November 16th, 2007
  1:06 pm
  

  [...] From How to Test-Drive Friends and Irritate People by Tim [...]

• Kevin
  November 16th, 2007
  1:14 pm
  

  I could’ve use this advice before getting married the first time — to my ex-wife!

  We got stuck in traffic on the NJ turnpike once and she lost it and get wicked angry. It was partially my fault because I misread a map. That was before we got married.

  Ten years later I found that she was reacting that way frequently when I made little mistakes. Of course, the fact that I frequently make little mistakes — like misreading maps — should have tipped her off as well.

• Rhodes
  November 16th, 2007
  2:10 pm
  

  Thought provoking as always. Consider this angle, though.

  I think of the Bible proverb, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Our association with others often changes us. We can mellow if we become friends with one who is relaxed. We can become industrious if we associate with someone who has a passion for excellence. I see that some of my worse character flaws have been removed through my association with certain people and perhaps my association may “sharpen” others. I think what is important is not so much their reaction but their adaptability–do they seem open to change in many areas of their lives or hopelessly set in their ways?

  I remain friends with some whose personalities “soured” but they stay in a distant orbit compared to those who uplift and strengthen me. Some close friends were jerks in the early stages of friendship but changed.

  Consider also, that you may not be “unmasking” another person but simply revealing their reaction to an event in the context of their day/week that would be the opposite if the broader contextual circumstances were different. Your multiple experiments might mitigate that.

  Then again, some people were born to whine, complain, wimp out, explode, and act stupid and will probably never change. Your approach sounds as good as any…I hope it works for you.

• Angela
  November 16th, 2007
  8:08 pm
  

  Interesting post! I have to say I’d totally fail #5 if it’s a place where people intentially try to mow you down because you’re in their way, that drives me crazy! lol..

• Hermann
  November 17th, 2007
  5:23 am
  

  Alternatively, you could just get drunk with that some one and you’ll usually find out pretty quickly what they are like. I am always amazed how much (truth) you find out about a person when you really get drunk with some body and talk about all different kinds of issues.

• Dave Robbins
  November 17th, 2007
  5:24 am
  

  Tim,

  Related indirectly to the Josh Waitzkin portion of your post, there is an article in Scientific American about skill acquisitions of chess champions and other experts:

  http://scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?articleID=00010347-101C-14C1-8F9E83414B7F4945

  There are several interesting points:
  1. The preponderance of psychological evidence indicates that experts are made, not born.
  2. The better players did not examine more strategies, but better ones.

  ###

  Hi D,

  Brilliant! Thank you so much for this great link. Outstanding…

  Tim

• Dave Robbins
  November 17th, 2007
  5:44 am
  

  From the end of the Scientific American article concerning skill acquisition:

  “The early results have been promising. Instead of perpetually pondering the question, “Why can’t Johnny read?” perhaps educators should ask, “Why should there be anything in the world he can’t learn to do?”

• Burton
  November 17th, 2007
  7:23 am
  

  Cool post, though you may be missing something. Part of how people treat you is your expectations of them. I’ve found if you convey a good image of people, they’ll often try to live up to that image (especially true of women). You can get them into a habit of being on their best behavior for you, even if they normally don’t have it together.

  You’re a cool enough guy that if people know your expectations they’ll probably try to meet them.

  I personally look for personality traits. Wouldn’t even THINK of having a relationship with a woman that’s a “taker” rather than a “giver”. Now that I think of it, “givers” are more forgiving and would pass most of your tests. “Takers” would not.

• Katia
  November 17th, 2007
  7:50 am
  

  Hi Tim. In a person, friend, or lover, you must be able to see the potential for growth and maturity and no amount of “fast-foward” situations will show that. You can certainly eliminate quickly those insincere, aggressive, snobbish, etc., people right off the bat, but most insecure people are very transparent anyway. Simple observation and listening easily identifies those types. But to live life to the fullest, as you seem to do, orchestrating false scenarios is an unworthy past time. In the game, you might be eliminating the one person in the world who would’ve been your soul mate, if you had only taken the time… We can all grow in leaps and bounds in a lifetime…that is the great test. Adversity and bad behaviour can be the greatest catalyst to growth and maturity, if we learn from our mistakes along the way. The person observing the bad behaviour also has a great learning platform. Of course if the person is ruining your chi, or bringing you pain and keeps you from your greatest potential, then it might be time to walk away…But some of us less fortunate spend the first half of our lives trying to find ourselves and digging ourselves out of the muck because we had less than supportive parents, or suffered abuse etc., but we had all the potential to be great. So we make a lot of mistakes, but we learn from them and we move on, and we grow into better human beings everyday. We fall and we get up over and over. A better person observes more carefully, and tests friends and loved ones by living life to the fullest, full of energy, and lets all the natural chaos in the universe throw the curve balls (and there are many) It’s all you’ll ever need to test the strength and will, and character of the people in your life. There is enough heartache and sorrow and aggravating circumstances naturally in the universe already, and to add to it in deceit and game playing is immature and unworthy of a great man.

  When heartache strikes you in life, sometimes all you can do is hold on for dear life. How people deal with little annoying things, like late dinner reservations, etc. and death and illness is an entirely different thing. You might end of eliminating the one person who has the strength of David, who could have saved your life somehow, because he or she got impatient with the waiter….

  Keep up your enthusiasm and soul searching Tim. You are an inspiration, but like us all, you have many years ahead to learn and grow…When you find your soul mate your perspective will change, and when you have children and they grow like weeds before your eyes, you will never want to fast forward life again….

• JJ
  November 17th, 2007
  8:52 am
  

  Dating you would seem a rigor not worth the reward. If you showed up late, came without your wallet and pounced on a disagreeable topic to test my fighting skills I can assure you I’d be gracious, diplomatic and on equal intellectual footing. I’d pass your test. But you wouldn’t pass mine.

• Andy Wibbels
  November 17th, 2007
  6:21 pm
  

  Heads up to your webmaster – there’s a plugin that will call out Tim’s comments in a different color or whatnot so you don’t have to use the ### thingy.

  ### (LOL)

  Thanks, Andy! I’ll forward this on…

  Tim

• Alex Shalman . com » Blog Archive
  November 18th, 2007
  5:01 am
  

  [...] Ferris the author of 4HWW always has a ton of innovative ideas. This time he talks about how he test-drives friends. He has basically developed a series of scenarios in which he can test the character of newly [...]

• Chris
  November 18th, 2007
  8:39 am
  

  I’ve noticed a tendency among self-improvement types to not ‘get’ the human side of life.

  They can be too cold, calculating, and self-centered in their relationships with people and boil every thing down to how it benefits their productivity, vegetarian diet, or whatever their self-help kick is.

  Sometimes they forgot that other people have feelings too and see their relationships as just another file folder to dispassionately organize.

  They sometimes view to world through the lens of how they can develop themselves in the next arbitrary way. Just hanging out with friends for no other point than the fun of it doesn’t jive with their need to constantly work on themselves. So they see it as a waste of time.

  ###

  Hi Chris,

  Tim here. Thanks for the comment. Let me try and address your valid concern. This post was really just bouncing ideas off of the readers of this blog, as this is where I like to get feedback as much as expound. I value my social circle of family and friends above all else and wouldn’t suggest at all approaching all relationship like a filtering machine. That said, I think it is useful to see underneath the polite exterior sooner rather than later with people. It doesn’t require deception, just putting the two of you in challenging circumstances. No funny business required.

  Hope that helps!

  Tim

• Alex Shalman . com » Blog Archive » Sunday's Speedlinking 11-18-07
  November 18th, 2007
  9:04 am
  

  [...] Ferris the author of 4HWW always has a ton of innovative ideas. This time he talks about how he test-drives friends. He has basically developed a series of scenarios in which he can test the character of newly [...]

• Andy Wibbels » Tim Ferris and The 4-Hour Sociopath
  November 18th, 2007
  10:16 am
  

  [...] to see their true colors: Adversity doesn’t primarily build character—it reveals it. Therefore, by putting someone under pressure or in a manufactured adverse situation, you can pull back the cove… and get a glimpse of what’s in store a few weeks or months down the [...]

• Sjors
  November 18th, 2007
  10:39 am
  

  Interesting post, but even more interesting follow-ups. There is talk about culture in two unrelated areas: the Dutch translation and the talk about people who are late on dates. So lets talk about culture a bit.

  I have not read the Dutch translation, in fact I never read translations of English books unless they are a complete rewrite in cooperation with the author and Dutch experts. Since you did not even know the translation of your own title, I guess that is not the case here. I think people should only read translations if they can not read English (well enough). In that sense – and because I like to experiment with controversial ideas as well – translations could even be considered a problem.

  I once even read a Dutch translation of an English book that was actually written by Dutch persons. As far as I know, the Dutch authors translated it to Dutch themselves. It was terrible, because it was filled with American ways of saying things that do not make sense in Dutch. And the book was about culture!

  Since you travel so much and retire in other countries, I am really curious if you could write something about inter cultural experiences. For example you mention a Mexican fisherman who is living a very relaxed life and then meets this Harvard student. The student tries to convince him to change his business and life style and he refuses with good reason. But now the trick question: could *you* convince him to completely revise his life? This man has probably not read any of the great self-help books like Getting Things Done, Flow or the 4HWW. He has probably not thought about his life strategy that much, even though he is quite happy. So perhaps by some miracle or coincidence he found the ideal lifestyle for himself, without even looking. Or did he? How can he know if he does not critically evaluate his life, like you tell *us* to do?

  Keep up the good work with all the interesting ideas and strategies!

  Sjors

• Sjors
  November 18th, 2007
  10:40 am
  

  (Not sure if this is a double post)
  Interesting post, but even more interesting follow-ups. There is talk about culture in two unrelated areas: the Dutch translation and the talk about people who are late on dates. So lets talk about culture a bit.

  I have not read the Dutch translation, in fact I never read translations of English books unless they are a complete rewrite in cooperation with the author and Dutch experts. Since you did not even know the translation of your own title, I guess that is not the case here. I think people should only read translations if they can not read English (well enough). In that sense – and because I like to experiment with controversial ideas as well – translations could even be considered a problem.

  I once even read a Dutch translation of an English book that was actually written by Dutch persons. As far as I know, the Dutch authors translated it to Dutch themselves. It was terrible, because it was filled with American ways of saying things that do not make sense in Dutch. And the book was about culture!

  Since you travel so much and retire in other countries, I am really curious if you could write something about inter cultural experiences. For example you mention a Mexican fisherman who is living a very relaxed life and then meets this Harvard student. The student tries to convince him to change his business and life style and he refuses with good reason. But now the trick question: could *you* convince him to completely revise his life? This man has probably not read any of the great self-help books like Getting Things Done, Flow or the 4HWW. He has probably not thought about his life strategy that much, even though he is quite happy. So perhaps by some miracle or coincidence he found the ideal lifestyle for himself, without even looking. Or did he? How can he know if he does not critically evaluate his life, like you tell *us* to do?

  Keep up the good work with all the interesting ideas and strategies!

  Sjors

• Andre
  November 18th, 2007
  5:34 pm
  

  Am I the only person who read the post as toungue-in-cheek Diggbait? Tim, your talent for engineering notoriety is unparalleled. Great blog.

• Thomas
  November 18th, 2007
  5:36 pm
  

  Getting lost is a pretty good way to reveal character traits. Of course difficult to manufacture a situations where you get lost.

  I’m all for doing activities that are likely to bring up problems that reveal peoples character but to manufacture the situations basically requires being dishonest with the person.

  If you have to lie to people to find out what they are like then perhaps you are the “toxic” person that is to be avoided.

  ###

  Hi Thomas,

  Tim here. Thanks for the comment. Let me try and address your valid concern. This post was really just bouncing ideas off of the readers of this blog, as this is where I like to get feedback as much as expound. I do think it is useful to see underneath the polite exterior sooner rather than later with people, but it doesn’t require deception, just putting the two of you in challenging circumstances. No funny business required. A nice, but physically demanding, 3-hour hike might often do the trick. The examples I gave were just a few brain ticklers to get people talking and discussing the bigger issue of choosing relationships carefully.

  Hope that helps!

  Tim

• How to Test Drive Friends and Irritate People « Jenny Gesserit
  November 18th, 2007
  9:39 pm
  

  [...] jennygesserit Timothy Ferris, author of the 4-Hour Work Week, had a post recently titled “How to Test Drive Friends and Irritate People.” It’s been debated whether or not this was an authentic post or a ploy to see how much [...]

• Justine Lennox
  November 18th, 2007
  10:00 pm
  

  I think you mean well and typically are great at hyperintesifying reality in a way a physicist would look at nature, to narrow the fundimental aspects at work. However, the difference is defining life and it’s mathmatical equation (even situationally) and living it are quite different. The thing about hyperintesifying moments (essentially compressing time) is not that your smarts are wrong to look at the fundementals behind things or people but that you’re outsmarting your heart and the reason behind linear time. Which is the nuances of life unfold, the things you couldn’t guess at or make up.

  You study, you determine, you act (you bet on yourself) that’s what you do, but defining and living are different. I think you’re searching for something you don’t understand, your tricks aren’t going to work. Do something different. Something different where your heart is where you move from, your brain just gathers and classifies. Try not to outsmart your heart… Or not.

• D
  November 18th, 2007
  11:28 pm
  

  The road to “dating enlightenment” takes time…Any relationship worth fostering or developing is not going to prove itself worthy in some fishbowl experiment designed to create tension and stress.
  Although I agree with many of your philosophies, history proves that most truths, genuine friendships, and solid feelings develop with time as their barometer.
  If you want to find someone true and honest, who has certain values, you must begin with those characteristics yourself. Like attracts like….
  I am waiting for the 4 hour relationship to be written..There is no doubt you will probably find a “fast track” in that arena as well :)
  Best.

• Evan Tate
  November 19th, 2007
  3:19 am
  

  GREAT BOOK!

  “Geweldig” compares to the german word “Gewaltig” which does mean “Fantastic” or “Great”.

• Rick
  November 19th, 2007
  7:45 am
  

  Tim: the thought comes to mind, especially as you become
  more widely know, that people read a blog entry like this,
  recognize your gaming of relationship, and invoke the same
  techniques back on you :) Of course, your last point is
  taken: ..You are the average of the 5 or so people you associate with most.. Still, it would be interesting to
  watch the chess match between Ferriss and an opponent schooled in Ferriss technique.

• Israel Jobs
  November 19th, 2007
  10:36 am
  

  This post is directly on target. Life is too short to waste, and you’re helping us cut through social chaff.

  I don’t remember where I read it, perhaps Guy Kawasaki’s The Art of the Start, but it did mention that one of the best ways to judge someone’s character was in a restaurant watching how they relate to the waiters. Bad service isn’t a requirement but it sure makes sense in the context above.

  And you’re not a bastard, Tim.

  Jacob

• Lynn
  November 19th, 2007
  2:59 pm
  

  Interesting post. One thing to consider though is that many people you “test” might pick up subtle signals that you aren’t quite being honest. Nothing so overt that they would comment on it — but enough that they get that “gut” feeling that something is off.

  And of course they’d be right, in a way.

  I’ve known several people with difficult personalities who turned out to be surprisingly loyal and steady friends. In those cases, time is what revealed their characters rather than my first impressions of them. Much to my surprise :)

  I enjoy your blog, keep up the thought provoking posts!

• Tim Ferriss
  November 19th, 2007
  6:17 pm
  

  ###

  Hi All!

  I’m thrilled at the level of participation and discussion on this post.

  Let me try and address a concern that has come up a few times: am I tricking or deceiving people?

  This post was really just bouncing ideas off of the readers of this blog, as this is where I like to get feedback as much as expound.

  I do think it is useful to see underneath the polite exterior sooner rather than later with people, but it doesn’t require deception at all, just putting the two of you in challenging circumstances. No funny business required.

  A nice, but physically demanding, 3-hour hike might often do the trick. The examples I gave were just a few brain ticklers to get people talking and discussing the bigger issue of choosing relationships carefully.

  Hope that helps! :)

  Tim

• ParisBreakfasts
  November 19th, 2007
  6:37 pm
  

  Another tried and true method for long distance holiday romance – invite them to visit you on your turf.
  Minus the glamourous trappings of their home front can quickly reveal the the person behind the glossy facade..

• Carrie Adams
  November 19th, 2007
  9:13 pm
  

  Hi Tim,
  I think you have great teaching skills. Thank you for sharing so much of your knowledge in a fun and engaging way.
  I hope your war ship party was a tremendous success! The night of the 17th was auspicious indeed. I attended an event where the music was amazing and I danced my heart out. (Thankfully, I am seeing my Acupuncturist tomorrow.)
  Looking forward to hearing the highlights of your event.

  Cheers

• Marc
  November 19th, 2007
  9:55 pm
  

  Tim,

  Interesting idea and I like all your ideas about experiments in lifestyle design. Pretty wicked stuff. Although, I don’t think you can rush relationships honestly. Some things just have to unwind of their own accord like a lazy river. Some times you gently washed up on the beach other times you’re in for a long ride. All that said, I won’t be throttling any relationships for intelligence gathering.

• Nick
  November 19th, 2007
  9:57 pm
  

  This post was kind of lame. Here’s why: If it’s a potential mate, you’re going to spend enough time together for these things to come out quickly enough anyway, and if it’s a potential *friend*…well, everyone is a potential friend. Who has time to design an obstacle course for everyone? Just keep your eyes open and avoid people who tend to act like jackasses. It’s what most people do already. The end.

  (Enjoyed the book though.)

• Erin
  November 20th, 2007
  12:00 pm
  

  The examples you provide are a collection of things that happen normally over time. If we focuses on these examples within a short span of time, we can save a lot of pain and heartache. By focusing on these examples were aren’t necessarily creating a contrived environment – instead we’re choosing to pay attention to behaviors that many of us wouldn’t consciously process otherwise.

  I don’t want my friends, or blogs I read, to paint the world in a monochromatic rosey-colored palette!

  ###

  Hi E,

  You are exactly right — these are a collection of things that happen naturally over time. There is really very little engineering required. We’re just taking unique situations, usually spread out over time and circumstance, and planning them in advance.

  :)

  Tim

• Nate
  November 20th, 2007
  12:09 pm
  

  Tim,

  You cease to amaze me and keep life extraordinarily interesting. You have undoubtedly become very wise through your searching. I have always thought that patience and reasonability were good traits in any relationship.

  A few questions:

  1. How do you convey trust without breaking it yourself through these prying methods?

  2. Do you ever worry that your latest test (or victim) will feel like a lab rat and tire of you.

  3. Most importantly, once you put someone through the ringer and you approve, how do you prevent from getting bored with them or your surroundings?

  They way I see it, the only adverse side of adventure and testing the limits is the ease at which you get bored, tired, constantly looking for something new. It becomes more difficult to feel that need, much like some people’s drug habits spiral out of control as they are searching for a stronger high.

  ###

  Hi N!

  Thanks for the good questions. Here are my answers:

  1. How do you convey trust without breaking it yourself through these prying methods?

  I would never use all of these, and — in fact — I usually just opt for a lunch/coffee, then day trip, then long weekend. Most of the situations (or similar tests of personality) will naturally come up if you look for unfamiliar surroundings or take someone outside of their comfort zone.

  2. Do you ever worry that your latest test (or victim) will feel like a lab rat and tire of you.

  No, for the reasons above. I might fast-forward situationally, but I’m not hitting them with 5 or 6 “tests” at a time. I’ve never had this happen and wouldn’t let it. All good things in moderation :)

  3. Most importantly, once you put someone through the ringer and you approve, how do you prevent from getting bored with them or your surroundings?

  One of my top criteria for friends or other relations is curiosity and an eagerness to learn. It’s hard to be bored with someone who has both.

  Hope that helps!

  Tim

• Barbara James
  November 20th, 2007
  12:44 pm
  

  Gee – I almost missed this post! And I say, if you are talking an untried travel companion, bring it on early. At LAX, waiting to get on the plane for Gatwick, I turned to my travel buddy, only to see she was flat on her back on the floor, announcing she couldn’t handle the stress of getting on the plane already. I so wish I had let her stay there. She does too ;D

• Laynie
  November 20th, 2007
  1:26 pm
  

  I know from experience, this is a very important and overall harmless test. It helps warn you from getting too close to people who will only be trouble.

  Unfortunately, some people are very good at pretending to be okay with everything, and being logical and ready for compromise when arguing, in the beginning stages. And then once you grow close, their true colours show, and they’re real selves are extremely emotional, and constant courters of personal drama.

  Some have commented that there are people worth the patience. To each your own, obviously, but over time, I find these supposedly-minor character flaws reflect a much larger problem.

• Alexandra
  November 20th, 2007
  1:27 pm
  

  I was unconsciously using some of these tests already but seeing them laid out in this fashion really brought the point home. It’s important to be mindful of the impact of any relationship on our lives.

  As to having high standards, I see nothing wrong with expecting the best for myself and those around me. Why not challenge those around us to do the same?

• Laynie
  November 20th, 2007
  1:29 pm
  

  ###

• Wendy
  November 20th, 2007
  1:54 pm
  

  I appreciate this post, mainly because it’s . . . well, different. I find the comments interesting, insightful, and at times overly emotion, as would be expected for a blog topic dealing with relationships and how to relinquish them if they don’t meet our expectations.

  I have to agree, from personal experience, that reflecting on the nuances of a friend’s character in diverse settings is beneficial. W/n these scenarios are manufactured really isn’t the point in my book. Obviously, said blog writer isn’t going to perform them on his friends to the point of exasperation and the possibility of looking like a jerk himself. Let’s give him a LITTLE credit huh? :)

  Thanks for the post and the challenge to possibly see our relationships in a different way. How boring life would be if all relationships and the ways with which we deal with them were based on the rules of a righteous few.

• Lorna
  November 20th, 2007
  2:03 pm
  

  Very thought-provoking post. Would have been handy before I married my first husband. Five years with him and I never saw beyond the polite facade until 3 months after we married and the shields came down. That said, what bothers me about this post is the manipulation factor. If a potential mate will try to manipulate me before the relationship begins, it’s a bad, bad, bad sign for later.

  I’ve had dates “test” me (unintentionally) in some of the ways you’ve described, and we’ve fast-forwarded to GAME OVER very quickly. I can be flexible, compassionate, and cooperative, but repeatedly allowing someone to disrespect my time would only cause me to disrespect myself. Those are standards I won’t lower.

  I’m going to take your advice to a little different level for my own life. When I get to the point of “investing” in a new relationship again, I’ll suggest that we plan a long weekend in a situation that will be intentionally uncomfy for both of us but potentially a lot of fun, and work on our ebb and flow so we can figure out how to handle the blips in life in a positive atmosphere. The biggest difference is the honesty factor and that we’ll both know what we’re working toward. Even if the other person does this wearing a facade, true chaos will dislodge it long enough to give a glimpse of what’s underneath.

• How to Test-Drive Friends and Irritate People | The Phlying Penguin
  November 20th, 2007
  2:11 pm
  

  [...] How to Test-Drive Friends and Irritate People [The Blog of Author Tim Ferriss] [...]

• nita nordstrom
  November 20th, 2007
  2:30 pm
  

  if i had tested more relationships in my past, as you and the book are suggesting, i would have avoided many painful relationships and innumerable experiences over the years – including my recent trip to the scottish highlands with a “friend”(which i would have previously described as a “nightmare”, however, practicing gratitude i’m changing that to “adventure”)… cheers!

• Ryan Mitton
  November 21st, 2007
  1:05 pm
  

  No doubt there is a time/place for this type of behavior. Probably best to just accept members of your family without testing them. But in the case of developing contacts where your looking for a mutual relationship where you both uplift each other, and both have something to offer each other, for the sake of you both getting personal gain out of it (note this isn’t what family relationships are about, although some people might have family memebers they can do this with) this is a great technique.

  It’s proactively building strong relationships that better both of your lives. It’s viewing your relationships with certain people as investments rather than doodads. :-)

• ashton
  November 21st, 2007
  11:55 pm
  

  Very interesting post. First, I fully appreciate that what you are suggesting is for each person to think about and experiment with as they see fit. Thanks for the thoughts because I find it stimulating regardless of whether I fully agree with it or not. I can certainly think about these ideas in terms of my own actions more.

  Secondly, the manner in which people react can depend on context quite a bit. There are certain things I certainly wouldn’t put up with if I saw early on, such as being rude to someone in a service role. But on the flipside, which I’m sure you are well aware of, people might react like valorous heroes in one context and cowardly a-holes in another. Often, it’s not such a strong contrast in one person–but I do think that context plays a large role (hence the concept of pet peeves). If someone saw me in traffic, they wouldn’t see how patient I can be with people in other instances. Perhaps a multitude of mini experiments would be called for, but I do agree with some of the other blog posts in that this kind of behavior could be thought of as deception in many instances and I think the “default incompetency” and spontaneous state of the world is enough to generate challenging circumstances without our help. Just doing something different than a date and a movie might be enough to open the floodgates of possibility.

• HJH
  November 22nd, 2007
  1:53 am
  

  Well Tim, thanks for another thought provoking post.

  Disturbing, but thought provoking. Very you.

  IMHO, it is precisely this gumption to voice politically incorrect but factually intelligent ideas like that that made your book such a big hit.

  Unfortunately, I have to disagree with it. Though I have to say I’m sure I have acted in a similar way in the past subconsciously to be able to recognize this behaviour in other people now.

  No doubt it is very you. Which is part of the reason why the reality of the world around you reflects it. And why I think (though it is really none of my business) you are still single and searching.

  Seems like the way you do market research (suggest posting ads for products that are not yet ready for sale) and the way you find friends / date is similar. Has it ever occurred to you, that might be the problem there?

  Forget the ethical quandary around selling / posting products that you don’t really have on hand to test the market. (And one wonders if that chapter wasn’t printed on dead trees for more than just a space / word count reason.) And the fact you are so afraid of wasting time and energy and getting hurt that you err on the side of choosing short cuts that are really cutting out things / experiences that could be both negative and positive. Yes, 80 percent of the thing we do in life is sometimes pointless, but there is meaning in the details and some of that pointless / community / average / mundane stuff sometimes.

  Reading your post is like watching someone very smart experiment with throwing out the baby with the bath water.

  Maybe you are not ready to just jump in and trust someone without making them jump through the hoops first, but I think you’ll find the ones who are willing to and able to get through your pre-screening likely has a million and one other issues and history that shaped them into the type that can jump through those hoops. I think you’ll find it is not a chicken and egg question, people in a happy, loving, meaningful relationship likely didn’t get there by being wary, defensive about getting hurt and distrusting.

  Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.

  To me, it seems like there is this disconnect between what you say you want and what you want that seems like an intellectual / behavioural paradox.

• End of the Week Gratitude Theme #4
  November 22nd, 2007
  9:34 am
  

  [...] Want to find a way to figure out a way to weed out people who appear to be nice and friendly when you first meet them but down the road end up demoralizing and/or draining you?  Tim Ferris wrote a great article on how to do find out sooner rather than later:  ”How to Test Drive Friends and Irritate People.”  [...]

• Vince Williams
  November 22nd, 2007
  8:46 pm
  

  This post tells me everything I need to know about you, and I couldn’t see being friends with someone like you.;-)

• Curious
  November 23rd, 2007
  4:35 am
  

  Here are some good ways another blogger posted to red-flag potential bad apples in your life:

  http://omniverse.blogspot.com/2007_04_01_archive.html#1871945885097123230

• Who Said That? Friday, November 23rd 2007 | Create Business Growth
  November 23rd, 2007
  6:09 am
  

  [...] How to Test Drive Friends and Irritate People [...]

• Test Driving Friends and Selectively Irritating People at JCurve.info
  November 23rd, 2007
  8:15 am
  

  [...] I really admire Tim Ferriss and all his ridiculous ideas. In fact they’re really quite good ideas. His latest idea that has thrown up a storm is the idea of test driving your friends and selectively irritating people. [...]

• Anneliese
  November 23rd, 2007
  6:49 pm
  

  Nice Tim. I love how your blog topics are so expertly crafted to expand the minds of people who are open to accepting the concepts as a tool for growth.
  My first reaction was to examine my own relationships. I don’t really care if your method is right or wrong – it seems right for you so who am I to judge that? What I really want to examine is if it is useful for me and I believe it is.
  Thank you for opening my eyes to an aspect of my life I hadn’t thought about for a while.

• tripleX
  November 25th, 2007
  9:39 pm
  

  Tim,
  In my opinion your tests reveal more about you then about your ‘friends’.
  It shows that you are more or less judgmental, controlling, and easily irritated, and that you have difficulties with the flaws in people.
  Some friends can find it hard to be totally comfortable around you if they hear about the tests. They will wonder which other character-flaws you dislike.
  The tests are useful if you need a travel-companion or somebody to work with.
  But they are an insult to true friendship.

• emorycat
  November 27th, 2007
  7:36 am
  

  Super interesting topic, so I will add to the very long list of feedback.

  The premise of the post seems to be that the only relationships worth having are “deep, meaningful” ones. This is simply not true. I treasure my deep, meaningful friendships, of which I have only a few. However, I have learned to be patient with people I would have found frustrating, boring, or inconsiderate a few years ago, and found it very rewarding. Almost everyone has something really valuable to contribute, tucked away under their mask that they put up as a result of their experiences. It doesn’t mean you will become best friends or that they will become your soul mate, but you can find happiness in people with very different values than your own.

  Don’t underestimate the value of casual acquaintances. They are valuable because they teach you more about your own limitations and weaknesses. Even from a purely practical standpoint, those casual relationships will help connect you to the deeper relationships you seek. Think, “Oh, you’re into hiking? You should meet so-and-so.”

  All of this said, there are some people whose shells simply cannot be broken. They refuse to open up, or they are dishonest or just plain evil. I don’t even bother with them, but they are in the minority, not the majority.

• The Prophet
  November 28th, 2007
  9:15 am
  

  Hi Tim.

  My very strong opinion on the subject of testing people: it doesn’t work.

  At least it doesn’t work if the person you’re testing is perceptive enough to sense they’re being tested, because then the person will most likely react in a way that’s very different from the reaction they would have if the irritating situation arose naturally. In other words, a person who senses that you’re attacking them, albeit in a very indirect way, is likely to react to the attack instead of to the situation you created.

  I know that’s the case for me anyway. I can’t stand testers. I call a tester a person who does the kinds of things you suggest in this posting. When I sense I’m being tested, I tend to react with extreme hostility, whereas I’m rather easy to get along with in normal circumstances.

  I have this rather unflattering perception of testers: I don’t believe they’re really trying to find out the truth about the people around them. They’re just trying to prove to themselves that they’re more intelligent than other people, the same way the scientist in the laboratory is more intelligent than the rat he performs his tests on.

  I don’t mean to say that this applies to you. I don’t know you. Let’s just say that, if I were bold enough to make a suggestion, it would be this: I would invite you to reflect on whether, with your strategy of testing people, you’re not eliminating the most perceptive people, i.e., the ones who are smart enough to sense they’re being tested.

  By the way, I’m far from convinced that a person has to be all that brilliant to sense, at least on some unconscious level, that you’re being deliberately mean to them, in which case, by testing people, you’re eliminating a lot of people from your circle of potential friends.

  My personal philosophy concerning testing: tests occur naturally; nobody has to create tests. It’s better to have patience and wait for difficult situations to arise naturally, and then get the right answer to the question “how will this person react in a tense situation?”, than to provoke an artificial test and get a potentially false reaction that’s induced by the artificialness of the situation, and not by the situation itself.

  Best wishes.

• L. Bowman
  November 28th, 2007
  4:06 pm
  

  I’ve been thinking about this post since I happened on it yesterday, and I have put my finger on what’s wrong.

  What all these tactics do is put you in a one-up position where you know what’s going on, and they don’t, and you meant it to be that way. So whatever you may learn about the other person by manipulating the situation, what they have learned about you is that you’re manipulative, willing to deceive them, and very keen on controlling the relationship rather than engaging in it yourself.

  I had a couple of control-freak boyfriends, and I have control freak tendencies myself (which I do my best not to give in to), and that’s what all of this sounds like, from long experience. And the one thing I can tell you for sure is that control freaks cannot manage a decent relationship. It wasn’t until I finally let go of my efforts to control my interactions that I finally had a decent relationship (now a 10 year marriage, and 2 children).

  The only way to have a good relationship is, frankly, to have it. That is, treat the other person as well as you can, make sure that you are being treated well too (this one is crucial!), deal with problems as they come up, and be prepared to recognize if a problem is insoluble, and the relationship needs to be over.

  if you do this, you will not have a bad relationship that lasts for years, I promise. You may have a couple of relationships that last for a few months, but you will never waste more than 6 months on something that isn’t working, because you’ll be paying attention. And if a good relationship is possible, you have created the best possible circumstances for one to grow – something that your tactics will not do.

• Wendy
  November 29th, 2007
  10:52 am
  

  With each new comment I read, I feel the point of Mr. Ferriss’ post has been lost. I especially find these comments interesting because he’s already tried to explain his intentions.

  As well, I keep reading the same politically correct responses. Reminds me of the Oprah show, all feel good and appropriate. Imagine how boring this blog would be if every post agreed with the sentiments of us readers. Tim’s book is a hit for a reason. He thinks outside of the box. This is why we all bought it.

  I’m wondering why so many have taken Tim’s post so literally and, most of all, personally? Interesting?

  What makes us want to write long comments, disecting his intentions and basically trying to explain (better than the previous person’s comment) the right way to go about friendships when we all have something to learn about them?

  Why do we care so much about a simple strategy that someone we don’t even know has implemented in order to make better use of his valuable time (which happens to be his right w/n it’s agreed with)?

  I think more fascinating than his simple post are all these comments. I still can’t believe someone wrote that they were glad Tim wrote this post because now they know they would never be his friend! Amazing. Such strong words from a stranger.

  Maybe, we need to look at ourselves and why we’re responding so emotionally to a post that was done for informational purposes. We don’t know Tim from Adam, so therefore we can’t really judge him based on a blog post, and I seriously doubt he’d completely judge us based on one of ours as I believe he’s human and not as cruel as some would belive his post reveals.

  I believe his post wasn’t meant to be take so literally. You can implement one of his ideas without being a jerk. Come on folks, we do it all the time w/n we want to admit it. He just put words to actions/strategies we already do, everyday and with everyone we meet, to some degree.

  Maybe we don’t forget our wallets on purpose, but we do judge. So what’s the difference? Sounds like the pot calling the kettle black to me no matter how we try to sugar coat our way of doing things.

  Once we get over the fact that we act no differently with our relationships, maybe we can stop making Mr. Ferriss out to be a monster because I doubt we’d ever think of ourselves as monsters.

• Vince Williams
  November 29th, 2007
  5:11 pm
  

  I think you’re taking yourself and this post too seriously, Wendy.

• Wendy
  November 29th, 2007
  5:59 pm
  

  Oh well.

• Jena
  November 29th, 2007
  7:04 pm
  

  Great pointers on friendships! I like learning knew ways of seeing things. I don’t think you’re a bastard. :)

  Also I agree with Wendy. Her post is a bit long but it makes sense. I couldn’t imagine going to somone elses blog and bashing them over a post that doesn’t bash me or my ethnicity or culture or has nothing to do with me.

• Christina
  December 2nd, 2007
  10:50 pm
  

  I agree with what the intention of Tim’s post – life is too short to be all diplomatic and polite when it comes to picking a life mate. I broke up with my last boyfriend after taking a (rock) band workshop with him. Off stage, he was pretty mellow and quiet. On stage, he was a pushy prick who turned his guitar amp up too loud and pushed me (the bass player) to the side of the stage. In 10 weeks, I saw the icky traits that would have taken me years to see.

  If you’re a musician and you’re dating a musician, I recommend playing together in some sort of limited duration arrangement that ends in a public performance. You’ll learn tons about the other person.

• Betsy
  December 3rd, 2007
  4:10 pm
  

  Save time! Get ‘em drunk and their true personality will come out. Right as rain, every time. If they’re a jerk, they’ll be belligerent and argumentative. If they’re good folks, they’ll get sentimental and sappy.

• Mateo
  December 4th, 2007
  3:33 am
  

  Not even sure how I came across this, but interesting so I thought I would comment.

  Firstly, maybe he does these things, and maybe he doesn’t. But saying he was “just kidding” or “just testing for response” is either a cop out, or another manipulative trick. If he said, hey, I was thinking about doing this, what do you guys think, fine. But posting that he does it, then getting all defensive when people tell him what he thinks of it seems kind of nutty.

  As far as the tests, while I fully agree with the idea that we should watch our friends carefully, and have little tolerance for behaviour that is not positive and uplifting to us, I think there are plenty of opportunities if we watch and observe. I think we should do this and sometimes be a bit merciless in cutting unsuportive people from our lives. But we also need to be accepting of other peoples foibles sometimes because god knows, we all have them. As far as testing them, it seems manipulative nad kind of obsessive. It doesn’t take long hanging out wiht people to figure them out.

  Besides that, what is the point of hanging out wiht someone if you are not there to enjoy hanging out. Just relax and enjoy the ride, and if they show signs of being someone you do not want to be around, salute the goodness within them, and move on.

• Daniel
  December 6th, 2007
  3:29 pm
  

  Great post. One of the best I read lately. There are some things I should test myself :) not to mention being tested by my friends :))

• Louis Moore
  December 18th, 2007
  4:52 pm
  

  Another way to test people for the first time is to see how they react and carry themselves during a recreational sports league.

  It’s amazing how some people will act like total jerks with each other and the referees over a meaningless game. Sometimes fights even break out, but most of the time it’s the immature, whining and complaining like a little child to the referee that seperates the leaders from the people with low emotional control.

  And, you will notice some people behave like perfect gentlemen even when the referee makes an obvious bad call. They may question the call in an assertive way, but always respectful.

  Sports will bring about the best in us or the very ugly very quickly. You can spot the true leaders using this method. I always take notice when I play or observe people in sports leagues.

  Basketball and soccer work really well.

  Louis Moore

• Edvard
  January 4th, 2008
  6:06 am
  

  Hi Timothy, thank you for writing and everything. Hands down one of the best books of the last years. Now straight to the point: I just got a headache searching for 20 minutes after translated languages of 4HWW. I knew it was available in Russian but even your search could not find it within this site correctly. SUGGESTION: remove the minus (-) after each language in the list –> the Google will do the rest. THANKS!!!

• Vava
  January 18th, 2008
  2:45 pm
  

  Your wrote:
  One of my top criteria for friends or other relations is curiosity and an eagerness to learn. It’s hard to be bored with someone who has both.

  hmmmm. Is there a way that we can gather all of these people into one place?

  That being said, I’m one of those girls who would punch you in the mouth.

  but just for a laugh.

• Troy Angrignon
  February 2nd, 2008
  2:00 am
  

  Tim, I could not agree with this one more. I have used the “cold wet and muddy test” for a long time with potential partners. After spending eight years adventure racing, I got to see close up how people’s personalities really truly emerged under stress. I saw teams blow up 3 hours into a race under mild circumstances and others still smiling 5 days into a race in the best of spirits after enduring the most brutal conditions. One of my proudest moments was being awarded the “Team Spirit Award” for a five day race I did with my brother and his wife and their friend, after we traversed four glaciers and 350km in four nights and four days of racing on 10 hours sleep. I learned a lot about myself in that race and a lot about my fellow racers whom I came to appreciate even more then when we started.

  Stress and pressure are the BEST way to understand people.

  Don’t let the flamers get you down. They’re living in a fantasy world.

  Nice work.

• Lbowman
  February 3rd, 2008
  1:13 pm
  

  I’m trying to put my finger on the difference between going for a wet, muddy hike with a prospective partner, which strikes me as an excellent test of character, and doing some of the other things Tim suggests – showing up half an hour later, half an hour early, deliberately picking a lousy restaurant etc etc. And I think the difference is the degree of deception, manipulation, and superiority Tim is going for.

  If you ask a prospect if he/she would like to go for a five hour hike, they know that a certain degree of hardship is a possibility, and are agreeing to that, if they go. So both partners are on the same level of knowledge and agreement about the trial they’re putting themselves and each other through.

  If you do the “tricking them into stuff” things Tim suggests, the thing they all have in common is that HE’S in control; the partner is being deceived that what they thought was a mutual pleasant night out (for example) is really a test where they’re being deliberately put at a disadvantage – and Tim isn’t.

  What I would learn from going on a muddy hike with a new friend is how we both react to that. This would be fine; we’d both learn useful things, but we would be on an equal footing, which is what you want in a partner. Even if we decided on the basis of that hike that we didn’t suit, we could at least part friends and equals, where I would hope we started.

  What I’d learn from someone showing up half an hour late and taking me to a crappy restaurant “just to see how I’d react” (if I figured out that that was what was going on) would be that this man has no respect for my time, no taste in restaurants, and wants to manipulate me to see how I like it.

  And the answer would be, no I wouldn’t. And I wouldn’t think much of him, either, for trying it.

  S

• Troy Angrignon
  February 3rd, 2008
  9:21 pm
  

  Hi LBowman, thanks for responding to that. I hear you. I’m not sure I agree with you.

  Another one that my business partner and I use is the “doofus test” named by Dan Pena, a business coach. He suggests booking meetings at incredibly inconvenient times with prospective business partners – during rush hour, 5am on Saturday mornings, middle of their birthdays, etc. The point being that in a business partnership, all hell WILL break loose and the crap will hit the fan and your business partners and joint venture partners need to demonstrate that they will do what it takes and do it happily to get a deal done, to follow through on a business venture, and to get things done. I tend to agree. We do put our prospective business partners and employees through stress tests so that we can more quickly understand their character.

  Character only shows up when things go horribly awry. It is never demonstrable in the “good times”. So, while I can see your point and understand your lack of interest, I would question if it’s because somebody tested you, or because you just don’t like surprises?

  Life IS a test. The only thing we can do is accelerate our learning about ourselves by putting ourselves and others outside of our comfort zones and understanding how we work.

  That’s MY philosophy anyway. I can understand that others may not share it.

  Thanks again Tim for prompting the discussion. I find it interesting how people respond to these types of issues.

• Lbowman
  February 4th, 2008
  1:14 pm
  

  Interesting point. I would say that a business partnership is a different sort of thing, in which different rules of engagement apply, so doing deliberate difficulty-testing in advance of serious issues might be a good idea. Though even in a business relationship, I would expect partners to behave considerately to each other when at all possiblIf it’s necessary to schedule a meeting during someone’s birthday, for example, then it has to be done. But if it wasn’t necessary, and was just done to see how the guy would react, I would say that however he reacts, the people who have scheduled the meeting have failed an important test – they are not considerate of each other’s time – and I would not want to work with them.

  I don’t mind surprises, as long as they’re mutual. I mean if we’re both caught in a rainstorm halfway up a mountain, I was as capable as anyone else of seeing what the weather was likely to do that day, and I went up the mountain anyway.

  But if I am the only person who’s surprised by negative events, then I was set up. And I will very likely pass the test fine myself (I deal with crises well). But I will draw my own perfectly justified conclusions about the person who set me up, and I won’t want to see them again.

  The point Tim and perhaps you seem to be missing is that it’s courtship we’re discussing here; and in courtship BOTH people are on trial, not only on how they deal with a crisis, but much more importantly, how well they treat each other. Someone who starts out by being dishonest with you has failed that test early on.

• Troy Angrignon
  February 4th, 2008
  1:37 pm
  

  Yes, I understand your perspective. You’re saying that relationships are two-way streets and that it is important for both parties to understand the other and expose each other to the other’s personal traits mutually.

  Unfortunately, most people have to wait years to see each other under pressure and in poor situations. And then when they finally do see the person in that situation and get to understand what that person is like under the surface when the dung hits the fan, both parties have invested a lot of time needlessly if it turns out that there is not a fit on a deep and fundamental level.

  Also, many people are not aware of the conversation we are even having. In other words, they live and go about their day. They do not analyze how they act, what made them act that way, what emotions made them act that way, what thoughts they had that made them emotional and hence act that way. Few people are self-aware enough to examine themselves or others in this way.

  I still say that these approaches are a good way to learn about somebody. No, it may not be fair or mutual. But if it is mutual, then part B is probably testing ME at the same time. If so, hallelujah. I hope so and expect so on both a personal relationship and business relationship level. I welcome it. If they aren’t, then how are they making decisions about who to engage with?

  Thanks for the lively debate… Have a great day.

• Christina
  February 4th, 2008
  2:05 pm
  

  <>

  I agree, but I also agree with Lbowman that one-sided tests aren’t particularly fair in that you’re primarily testing the other person’s ability to deal with manipulation, not surprise.

  As I noted in a comment up like 20 comments, I took a band workshop with my last boyfriend, thinking it would be fun to play music together. Hardly! Under the stress of learning 12 songs in ten weeks with an alcoholic drummer and a bossy singer, my guitarist (ex-)boyfriend’s true colors were revealed to me. He became uptight and greedy, not thinking about anybody in the band but himself. (I play bass.) I didn’t set out to use the workshop as a test, but it turned into one. I think that’s why people say – take a long trip together – before you commit to a permenent relationship. Or just do something outside of the box that requires teamwork and commitment, like cooking school or team sports or planning and taking a week-long hike. Soon enough, one of you will be outside your comfort zone and you can see how you each handle it, without resulting to artificial, manipulative set ups.

• Vince Williams
  February 5th, 2008
  12:20 pm
  

  There’s no need to deceive someone to ‘test’ them, or your relationship with them.

  If someone used this skulduggery on me, I would be glad to know the manipulative sort of person they are.

  So even though I disapprove the motives and the execution, I heartily encourage this behavior on the part of people so inclined.

  It makes winnowing out the rejects that much more efficient.

• Tim Ferriss
  February 11th, 2008
  2:51 am
  

  Hi All,

  From a recent email from a friend:

  I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things:

  a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

  G’night,

  Tim

• tripleX
  February 17th, 2008
  11:28 am
  

  @ Tim – 142
  LOL, but the only things you can tell about me in those situations is if I slept well the night before and/or if I had sex that night.
  There are just two things I would like to know about future friends: if they have a good heart and if I can trust them.
  If they help an elderly person finding their lost luggage on a rainy christmasday they are okay with me.

• Dating without Speaking? The Weird World of Eye Gazing Parties | The Blog of Author Tim Ferriss
  February 17th, 2008
  7:26 pm
  

  [...] case–has surprising transfer to larger macro-level decisions and behaviors, parallel to the controversial “test driving” of new friends I explored several months [...]

• geoff
  February 17th, 2008
  11:51 pm
  

  tim-

  first time poster – on anything, actually…a bit late to the game… but i’m reading your book and had to thank you for writing it.

  how can i get a japanese copy in the US?

  ###

  Hi Geoff,

  Thanks for the post! The only thing I can suggest is getting in touch with the closest “Kinokuniya” or ordering from them.

  Pura vida,

  Tim

• Phraedus
  February 18th, 2008
  9:26 am
  

  If you had two people who both read this article, performing the same test against one another, they would both fail, and stop being friends.

  Sometimes the means undermines the ends.

  The problem is that in order to test others, you need to perform the same actions which you are trying to root out in friends.

  Without a disclaimer such as this article, you’re actually weeding out people that can tolerate the things that you cannot tolerate in other people. Their reaction to it will affect your outcome. Worse, if they read this article, which is your disclaimer, it may actually make matters worse, because of the testing.

  And yes, I am calling it a hypocritical theory.

  Phraedus

• Adryenn Ashley
  February 18th, 2008
  11:14 am
  

  Finally a technique that I can use to verify my intuition! I’m always the one that plans the vacations, takes care of anything that comes up and generally makes things move smoothly! So it always takes a long while before some of these issues come up because I’m always fixing it quickly. I’ll lay off the superwoman routine for a while with new friends to make sure they are worth the effort!

• Alex
  February 18th, 2008
  11:18 am
  

  I call it “the nature of the beast”.

  I have been doing this for years although over longer periods and more naturally occurring situations (although I have to admit that sometimes a little bit of needling on my part helped it along). After you’ve seen it come out a few times you start to notice the traits that go along with the various different natures. As the years go by you are able to spot the traits of the underlying “nature” faster and more accurately. Of course there are always exception the rule and that’s what makes life interesting!

  P.S. A note about the crowded subways test, it might just be a safety issue or a bad situation that has happened in the past in a crowded place.

  Sometimes it is worth taking a little extra time to open the book and read a few pages.

• Semantics « teh fortune cookie
  March 4th, 2008
  7:11 pm
  

  [...] see people as worthwhile or not worthwhile because “life is both too long and too short to suffer through toxic relationships.” – Tim [...]

• Michelle
  March 5th, 2008
  12:32 pm
  

  Wow what an interesting post. First let me begin by saying that I read your book and it was one of three events that changed the course of my life. If you are familiar with the Enneagaram, I am a 7 and after reading your book I suspect that you are too. I think you would enjoy reading about it if you have not already.

  http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

  I loved your book, however I do not agree with this post. If Joe Schmo is testing Suzy Q, he is disconnecting from her. It’s as if he is on one side and she is on the other. This sounds very fear based: fear of “wasting his time” and fear of not being in control and fear of not having his needs met by her.

  If I reflect on life, I see it as an opportunity to experience being alive. That’s it. There is no purpose, there is no meaning. Just an opportunity to be conscious to what is. Noticing what naturally wants to be expressed and allowing that to be expressed. When one is caught up in testing, she is disconnecting from the other person as well as herself.

  I think this is a very powerful post and it gave a lot of people food for thought. I certainly used this as an opportunity to digest this post, and evaluate what I think about it. You are entitled to do what you want in your life, and if testing is something that wants to be expressed through you, so be it. There is nothing wrong with that.

  Thank you for writing your book, it is very powerful and inspiring. I am also fear based, so I decided to lie down in the middle of a busy restaurant and walked away feeling very elated and empowered!

  Cheers,
  ~Michelle

• DennisD
  March 15th, 2008
  2:25 am
  

  Push the envelop. Get personal. Ask unexpected questions. Don’t allow dodging. Repeat if necessary. Don’t be intimidated or embarassed.

  You don’t develop relationships walking on eggshells. You don’t get the girl by not standing out from the rest

• Aaron
  April 7th, 2008
  12:28 pm
  

  Thanks for the “testing” ideas, Tim. It’s unbelievable how few people actually have a grasp of people-skills, and how important those skills really are in the workplace. I would be terrified to have a customer be put off by a coworker or employee because of something as preventable as bad behavior or a misunderstanding of the appropriate protocol.

• G
  April 9th, 2008
  5:05 am
  

  WOW.
  Lookit ‘em reactions!
  It’s like watching a herd of gnu migrating. Sort of head down and charge forward :)

  If nothing else your post certainly polarised a few people…
  My take on it is that i sort of do a lot of these type of tests (not as elaborate and not as time-consuming) in many little ways. (I also happen to think it’s a genetic thing that Venetians in general will do more than other people, except the Irish who also do it…) my view is that those who take offense at this type of behaviour are kind of…”weak”. That is unable to handle emotional issues with a certain detachment.

  Keep in mind that personally if the response I get is a punch in the mouth as Tim put it, I might not like it, but I wouldn’t necessarily think badly of the other person. Their response or reaction can be just as off-the wall as my “testing” them by asking some really inappropriate question, or suggesting a weird change of plans or whatever.

  My measure of people is more often linked to how boring or not they are. As a result I know some real freaks of nature, but they are interesting freaks, and more entertaining for it. Now…finding interesting, crazy-yet-weirdly-stable, nymphomaniac-yet-loyal, hot looking and madly in love with you kind of freak…well..that’s a big mission and I understand Tim’s dilemma if that is what he’s still busy doing.

  I think testing boundaries from the get go is good…it immediately sorts timid personalities from stronger ones and that is important to do when you know which type you prefer as a certain friend in a certain context.

  Unlike Tim though, I am not too concerned if people think I am a bastard. Way I see it I can’t be held responsible for my mom not being married way back then, hahaha!

• Io
  June 19th, 2008
  5:59 am
  

  Tim,

  You’ve mentioned “Minerva Publishing House” as the editor of your book for Romania – however I searched their site (http://www.edituraminerva.ro/ – hope I’ve got it right) and have not found the book – do you know if it was already published, or it’s just “in the planning”? Thanks!

  –Io

• Dan
  July 18th, 2008
  10:03 am
  

  Why are people saying these are harsh tactics? Like these are the worst of all things that can happen in life? The fact is that these are things that happen naturally ALL THE TIME to people, but the problem lies in the fact that you never know when they’re going to happen, so it’s hard to gauge peoples’ reactions (i.e. IT MAY TAKE A LONG TIME, too long for some people to invest–waste), which is the reason for the test.

  I’ve also seen the word “manipulate” being thrown around a lot. Manipulate is a strong word, and sure, this may be “manipulation,” but it’s very small in comparison with other types of manipulation (marrying people for money, taking advantage of a nice guy, leading people on for sex, etc.)

  Right on for a great article, dude.

• Denise
  November 22nd, 2008
  3:05 am
  

  Bravo for having high standards and a refusal to settle! Its tragic that so many people don’t pay attention to the warning signs and then wonder how they end up in a dysfunctional, draining marriage. Communication is key and stress a great factor in evaluating a person’s character. Although I do have to say that flexibility and patience are also very commendable qualities.

  Lately, I’ve noticed that some of my friendships are “coming to a close”. I can appreciate the person but realize that not everyone is in the same stage of life. Staying in a situation that’s not working doesn’t serve our potential or capacity (and the other person’s).

  I even told my mom that I would never travel with her again after our last trip in 2005. Sorry ma. This doesn’t mean I don’t see her. I just refuse to travel long distances or internationally. Yes, blasphemy. I know.

• Rachel Kim
  January 1st, 2009
  9:14 pm
  

  Wow… this is from a year and .. a month ago. If someone did this to me… I would probably freak out. Try it to a scientist… most like me are control freaks. :)

• Lisa
  January 2nd, 2009
  2:45 pm
  

  Heya Tim,

  An interesting post. I’m into multiday endurance adventure sports, many of which are team sports. 3am, second night, sleep deprived, hypoglycaemic and cold… you learn interesting things about people.
  I always tell people new to the sport never to race with best friends, long time friends, colleagues or partners. It is sometimes better to know and enjoy the company of these people in your common environment as the stresses of the sport may reveal a side you won’t like. Friendships have been ruined.

  Another point is that “unfavourable” traits in friends and partners do occur in situations unorchestrated by you. The main thing is that when that trait shows up in glowing neon lights, it is up to you to deal with it. That trait is part of who they are and either you can live with it, or you can’t. They won’t change (and nor should they because it is who they are). Your call. They will probably not see anything wrong with their behaviour if you bring it up.

  So, your options are to either avoid being put in that situation again with that person (like putting a bandaid on the underlying issue) or you terminate the relationship; the latter is likely to happen at some stage because those same situations that brought out the trait you so very much dislike will come up again…and again.

  I don’t forsee myself orchestrating situations to put friends or partners under stress; but what I do need to do is to act faster on my reservations instead of willing them away.

• mose
  January 2nd, 2009
  8:18 pm
  

  Well….. according to Eben Pagen and many others, women “test” all the time. Why should only women get the nod. And I would have to agree.As for your methods, I can appreciate the insight gained and feel that there is value in what you are presenting while at the same time there might be room for why someone might have a need to be a super-productive over achiever – it’s all about me and never about anybody else incorporated -that must be jet-setting around the world to experience the most of life every living nano -second- not to miss a bit of it- type of individual…… any fear there? If the fits, so be it.

  This whole thing may just come down to intent. If it is done to unmask a character flaw fine.( and we all have them- for life they say- hardwired).. but keep in mind it take 2 to dance while there is the one who is “behaving”………..there is the one who is experiencing and reacting to someones behavior. The test goes both ways- lessons on both sides of the movie
  peace out

• LC
  January 3rd, 2009
  12:44 pm
  

  Fascinating article!!! I haven’t read all the comments (I don’t have the time) but glanced through a few and some people appear to be pissed off about being treated as lab rats… Well, I think life presents “tests” all the time anyway so the issue here is really about observation and judgement. Right?

  “How to observe people in stressful situations and predict their behavior in longterm relationships”? These tests make perfect sense and I think I already do this. Waaaaaay too often! When shit happens in my relationships I think to myself – yeah I saw this coming on our first date… :)

  I think these tests would also be a good gauge for how the “tester” responds to the tested’s perceived “character flaws”. Like, how do I judge? How nitpicky am I ? Do I have the same “flaws” that I don’t notice in myself?

  Sometimes it’s not a black and white decision whether to keep or to drop a person from your life. I like the 3-hour hike idea… preferably in a city rather than out in nowheresville.

• F
  January 7th, 2009
  12:45 pm
  

  Another trick that deserves a place in your article:

  8. suggest to play a game (e.g. tennis) and see how well they take a loss (many people will change like you wouldn’t believe it: protest, cheat, contest the rules and what not to avoid losing). This tip comes from Theo Kars (Dutch writer).

• Dr J
  January 10th, 2009
  12:50 am
  

  Hi Tim,
  I wanted to Facebook this entry, but didn’t see a FB icon at the end of your post. Hoping you’ll add it in.
  Oh, I was having dinner and turned off my brain, watched Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift on HD tv tonight. I kept thinking how the lead character and you were similar, how you’re Americans in Japan trying to fit in. Major difference is, you look much much better than that dood. :)
  I think you live somewhere in the ‘Bay area. I’m in Sacramento, and visit my brother in the ‘Bay once in a while. I hope to bump into 1 day. Excuse me if I drop to my knees and kiss your feet. Thanks for improving my life.
  No need to respond. Keep up the great work!
  Dr J

• leticia
  January 11th, 2009
  9:13 pm
  

  I love it!!

  Tim, could you pls put forward some more scenarios/”tests”.

• Rainier Alcantara » Blog Archive » Respect is Free, Trust is Earned
  January 11th, 2009
  10:33 pm
  

  [...] So remember, respect is free and trust is earned.  Living by these concepts will save you time and energy in bad relationships and help you enjoy worthwhile relationships.  Also, here is a great post about test-driving your relationships. [...]

• NH
  January 13th, 2009
  4:51 am
  

  Love it! Not sure I’d necessarily try any of your suggestions out on people but I agree that life is too short for ‘toxic relationships’. Where’s the harm in finding out sooner rather than later that you’re not going to want to take a relationship further?

• Justin
  January 27th, 2009
  12:07 am
  

  Tim,

  Interesting concept! While I have not manufactured situations in order to test, I am hyper observant when I am on a date or considering becoming friends with one of my acquaintances. For the rest of the post I will use the word “subject” to describe either a potential mate or friend.

  If one is having dinner with a subject and they begin to discuss how they have been wronged by person x, then continue on to talk about how they will seek their revenge on person x, you can place a winning bet that they will eventually become vindictive towards you if you ever wrong them.

  If a subject is rude towards a stranger for a mistake, you had better consider how they will be even more rude towards their friends whom they are comfortable with. For some reason we all live in a dream world thinking that those whom we are most intimate with treat us the best. In reality, it is the other way around. The more familiar and secure one feels in a relationship, the more they are willing to abuse or take advantage of the bond of friendship or love. You probably think I am nuts for saying this but look at how caustic marriages become! During the honey moon all of the quirks were “cute.” There was rarely a sour word between the new couple. After fifty years of marriage however, both parties have become familiar with one another and the quirks are no longer cute. I have been around some married couples that really say some awful things to one another when they would never say such things to a perfect stranger.

  I think the important thing to take from this concept is that if subjects have destructive people skills or make poor decisions, you must get away from them quick! The decisions of friends and lovers directly affect you!

  To illustrate the previous statement I will share a story with you. I was looking at houses once and decided to take my girlfriend with me. One house happend to have a beehive in the wall. I saw the bees because I heard a loud buzzing sound. I looked up and couldn’t believe how many bees were sitting on the wall that was functioning as a hive. I immediately walked away from the area and told my girlfriend NOT to go towards that side of the house because of the danger. Wouldn’t you know it, she began walking over there! I was very honest with her and said, “if you get swarmed by the bees, I’m not going to help you out.” She sobbed and whined about what a jerk I was and how I didn’t love her. Let us be realistic here. If I warn someone of impending danger and they do not heed my warning, why then should I stick around to deal with the after effect of pain and suffering?

  I am a proponent of many acquaintances and few friends. Most people you meet do not have strong character or manners. When you find someone with good manners and strong character, be their friend, even if your personalities don’t naturally fit. They will never get you into trouble, they will always be there for you and you can develop a healthy relationship in which mutual respect sets the ground work for interaction.

• Denise
  January 27th, 2009
  1:21 pm
  

  @Justin. Great post! The most common factor in all of these situations is a complete lack of personal responsibility (or blame). It’s obvious if someone is unwilling to be accountable for their actions and choices.

  As far as marriage goes, your partner will always have some quirk or habit that won’t exactly be pleasing, but the deciding factor may be whether you can compromise and communicate respectfully. It’s easy to focus on negative things (which snowball very quickly) but it’s also a choice to remain focused on the positive. Many people now-days see relationships and marriage as a trial period and it makes it very easy to walk away when things get tough. Everyone I know that is still married never gave themselves that option.

• King
  February 15th, 2009
  6:52 pm
  

  Tim!!

  I loved this article, and am thoroughly amused by some of the less than savory responses. I thought of a parallel to meeting people in nightclubs and bars.

  The people I meet in nightclubs are usually not dateworthy, but they run these tests too! Women will always throw something out there like “buy me a drink” and its the same principle. Attractive women have soo many guys coming up to them, these lines screen the submissive, unconfident, validation seeking and slow witted ones instantly. Its a bit more cruel and unrefined than the situations you stated haha.

  happy travels!

  King

• Win
  April 25th, 2009
  4:45 am
  

  Is it sad that I agree with thisarticle, basically my philosophy is to never coddle people. If you disagree say so, you dont have to be a complete asshole, just be honest and dont try to cover up your own character. If you want a long term relationship to work out you also have to know where you are going to rub the other person. then again on the other end you have to jump in at some point and go for it, even if you arent sure if it will work out.

  Also mundane observations are helpful, I can sometimes tell how a person is just by how they stand in a certain place.

• Melissa
  June 5th, 2009
  8:54 pm
  

  I don’t actually understand how people found these tips so intensely “cruel” and awful and deceiving. It’s not like you’re actually screwing someone over, you’re nicely taking them out to dinner, happened to realize that it was 30 minutes later, will probably find something else fun and romantic to do to kill the time and then go to dinner. Calm down! You’re not screwing them of money and seeing how they react. It’s just a simple little scenario to see whether the date would freak out and act blatantly annoyed about the extra 30 minutes you’ll godforbid have to waste before eating. It’s a completely acceptable tiny problem, just so that you don’t go falling in love with a personality that turns out to not be real.

  I completely understand, because I dated a guy who was the most charming adorable thing for the first month or two during that happy honeymoon stage, and all of a sudden after 3 months little raging fits would pop out the second things went wrong. Objects flying and all. Turned out he was a complete brat who was good at hiding it in the beginning, and he would have been the perfect person to test these sort of scenarios on and I wouldn’t have had to waste 4 months on Mr. Anger Management. We actually got kicked out of Victoria’s Secret because he had a fit in the store about not being allowed in the dressing rooms. Thank you for the tips, it appears I need to tweak my psycho radar a bit and these will definitely help.

• kees
  June 7th, 2009
  11:38 am
  

  Hi tim,

  “Leid een rijk leven zonder veel te doen” and “Geweldig! Dit boek zal je leven veranderen. -New York Times”

  the dutch to english translation is: Lead a rich life without doing much and GReat! This book will change your life NYT.

  Thanks for the post
  greetings kees.

• Cat
  June 13th, 2009
  8:18 pm
  

  @Tim
  :in reponse to Tim’s last comment
  “From a recent email from a friend:

  I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things:

  a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.”

  I would up the ante on this one: a SNOWY day, (rain shmain! lol), ditto on the luggage and elderly…Christmas tree lights though? How about losing your keys or something?

  I think if one is getting just as bent out of shape as their tree lights…that’s a sure fire sign of insanity.

  Hell just waiting in line at the DMV is a test of character and emotional fortitude.

Subscribe to followup comments via RSS | TrackBack URL

Leave a Comment or a Question

Comment Rules: Remember what Fonzie was like? Cool. That's how we're gonna be -- cool. Critical is fine, but if you're rude, we'll delete your stuff. Please do not put your URL in the comment text and please use your PERSONAL name or initials and not your business name, as the latter comes off like spam. Have fun and thanks for adding to the conversation! (Thanks to Brian Oberkirch for the inspiration)