Real Mind Control: The 21-Day No-Complaint Experiment 250 Comments
The thought-awareness bracelet and the latest straw that broke the camel’s back.
“This $@#&ing mac will be the death of me. Intuitive, my ass.”
It just slipped out, and I don’t think I can be blamed. I was ready to leave the PC behind and take my mac overseas for the first time when I couldn’t figure out how to resize photos. On a friggin’ mac? I felt swindled. I also now had to move the bracelet.
For the last four months, I’ve been experimenting with a few types of thought experiments. The two most notable are Radical Honesty, which is 100% guaranteed to get you slapped or worse, and anti-complaining, which I’ll explain here. The latter started in my book agent’s office, where I spotted a pile of purple bracelets on his desk…
“What are these?” I grabbed one and it was inscribed with ‘acomplaintfreeworld.org.’
“Another author of mine. Interesting story, actually.”
And it was. The author was Will Bowen, a Kansas City minister who had recognized — as I have in a previous post — that word choice determines thought choice, which determines emotions and actions. It’s not enough to just decide you’ll stop using certain words, though. It requires conditioning.
Will designed a solution in the form of a simple purple bracelet, which he offered to his congregation with a challenge: go 21 days without complaining. Each time one of them complained, they had to switch the bracelet to their other wrist and start again from day 0. It was simple but effective metacognitive awareness training.
The effects were immediate and life-changing.
The bracelets spread like wildfire as others observed these transformations, and, to date, more than 5,900,000 people have requested the little devices.
“Can I have one?” I asked my agent.
It all made perfect sense. Fix the words and you fix the thoughts. I’m not a negative person, but I wanted to cut out the commiserating most of us use for 30-40% of all conversation (if you don’t believe me, keep track of how many people start conversations with you in the next 24 hours that center on a complaint or criticism).
I made it 11 days on the first attempt, then I slipped. Back to zero. Then it was two or three days at a time for about a month. Once I cleared 21 days at around month 3, I no longer needed the bracelet. I’m using the bracelet again now because I’m preparing for some large projects I expect to be challenging enough for Cornholio-style meltdowns.
But what is a complaint?
This is where I disagree with some of the rules set by Will. He asks you to switch wrists whenever you gossip, criticize, or complain, and the definitions can be a bit vague. He also requires you to switch wrists if you inform someone else they are complaining. I think this is counterproductive, as I’m big on constructive criticism.
I defined “complaining” for myself as follows: describing an event or person negatively without indicating next steps to fix the problem. I later added the usual 4-letter words and other common profanity as complaint qualifiers, which forced me to reword, thus forcing awareness and more precise thinking.
Following the above definition, both of the following would require a wrist switch:
“Man, I went into the post office and had to stand behind this rude jerk for 30 minutes. What a waste of time.”
or
“John can be such an a**hole. Totally uncalled for.”
The following variations would not:
“Man, I went into the post office and had to stand behind this rude guy for 30 minutes. It was a waste of time. From now on, I’ll go in the mornings before 10am to avoid the crowd.”
“John was a bit of muppet in there, wasn’t he? I suppose I’ll just send the e-mails directly to Mary in engineering for the next two weeks to get buy-in, then he’ll have to agree.”
Here are a few of the changes I noticed then and am noticing again now:
1) My lazier thinking evolved from counterproductive commiserating to reflexive systems thinking. Each description of a problem forced me to ask and answer: What policy can I create to avoid this in the future?
2) I was able to turn off negative events because the tentative solution had be offered instead of giving them indefinite mental shelf-life (and “open loop” in GTD parlance), resulting in better sleep and more pleasant conversations with both friends and business partners.
3) People want to be around action-oriented problem solvers. Training yourself to offer solutions on-the-spot attracts people and resources.
###
For those interested in the more sophisticated applications and results of the the no-complaint thought experiment, I recommend you order a copy of A Complaint-Free World. I received an advanced copy and finished it in one afternoon, ending up with two pages of notes. I will be getting copies for my family and friends as X-mas presents.
Want to take the 21-day no-complaint challenge for a test drive now?
Last a friend checked, the bracelets had a 3-5-month waiting period, but a rubber band or other bracelet will suffice. If you want the real deal, I have four bracelets that I will mail (might take a bit, as I’m leaving the country Friday) to the best four commenters below who answer the question:
What other behavior, besides complaining, do you think people should stop? How could train themselves to stop?
Bonus: If you were holding a party for 100 VIPs in SF or NYC and had no budget (or no more than $1,000, whichever you prefer), what would you do to make the event memorable and fun?
Posted on September 18th, 2007
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250 Responses to “Real Mind Control: The 21-Day No-Complaint Experiment”
4:23 am
People should stop thinking pessimistically in order to circumvent trying something. You know the type of person that goes “Oh, that’ll never work.” or “We don’t have a chance.”
I call them C3POs - remember Star Wars? We are doomed. We are doomed. That’s the kind of “Let’s just give up” attitude that people should stop immediately.
VIP Party: What season? Is it an indoors or outdoors party?
4:25 am
addition:
…that people should stop immediately by adding UNLESS at the end of a sentence:
“I don’t think this will work UNLESS we…”
By adding that simple word, you force yourself to think of solutions instead of indulging in despair.
4:43 am
What other behavior, besides complaining, do you think people should stop? How could train themselves to stop?
-Swearing, every time you swear give a dollar to charity, start doubling if needed.
-Smoking, there’s a lot of ways for this…
Bonus: If you were holding a party for 100 VIPs in SF or NYC and had no budget (or no more than $1,000, whichever you prefer), what would you do to make the event memorable and fun?
How about an awesome game of capture the flag at a park or beach. Winner gets a prize.
5:09 am
Another excellent post.
I have played with the idea of using a wristband as a reminder of our mortality(”Life is Not A Dress Rehearsal” on my blog) but this idea is more action orientated. I like it.
Keep up the life experiments - they benefit us all!
A
5:15 am
To resize a photo in iPhoto go to File->Export, set the file type (Kind), then choose “Custom” from the size drop-down. Otherwise iPhoto includes several predefined sizes as well. If you’re looking for a utility to batch resize a search at http://osx.iusethis.com for the word “resize” yields numerous results, the top four of which are freeware. Another good source is http://www.macupdate.com.
5:40 am
wristband ideas: remove self-critical thinking, negative thoughts about ourselves, old tapes someone left behind in our head;
I like to think about the “other side” of ideas and projects - to make my mind work a little harder and be more challenged…so, what about the reverse process: goal would be to switch wristband everyday I complete a task, or habit I’m working towards ex: each time I do something I’m afraid to do; each time I get the “big” project done first thing in the day; everytime I wait to get to my email; refused to allow someone or something to interrupt my goal, get my “two” big things done in the day..etc. I like this idea and I’m going to go find one of those wristbands and do it! Have a great trip! Thanks for an AWESOME life-styling book!
5:51 am
Tim,
Tim,
Great post.
The other behavior that people should stop is negative self talk. Instead, train the mind to see successful outcomes. As you mentioned, thoughts are the seeds of actions.
As for your party question, give everyone the bracelet that you mentioned above and find a way to keep score. During the party this will surely spark conversation. I am sure people will leave the party thinking about the experience. Also, since they are VIPs a few of them may even spread the ideas to their organizations.
Keep the posts coming. I really enjoy your insights.
5:59 am
I am generally positive, but I’ll bet I find that I complain more than I think.
On the topic of another behavior to change: it would be great to see people treat service industry workers with the same respect they afford doctors and other ‘professionals’.
It isn’t hard, but it is amazing how many times I’ve seen travelers treat airline employees horribly for delays that weren’t their fault. How many times do they complain to their doctor for excess waits?
6:28 am
Do you switch wrists for negative self defeating thoughts as well? There are a lot of “complaining” thoughts that never get verbalized. “Stinkin Thinkin” as Zig would say; can ruin your whole day!
We should make the choice to see and think positive thoughts in what seems like a negative situation. Take every thought captive to avoid letting our mind get lazy and slide into “Stinkin Thinkin” which leads to complaining and even more.
I’m curious; how is being “brutally honest” is going for you? It sound like it would make from some great story’s down the road!
With a budget of $1,000 I would rent one of those guys that peddle a type of music cart/box around with a monkey playing a little instrument. I don’t know what they are called or if they even have a name but they are certainly unique! That would definitely stand out in my mind.
Pretty much anything from a different culture that we haven’t already Americanized would be memorable to me.
6:31 am
The One Minute Millionaire book suggests the use a wrist band for conditioning.
They suggest you use the band to condition yourself against using the expression “yeah, but”, or more fundamentally that way of thinking. It helps you avoid that whole process of rationalising yourself out of taking action on something you instinctively know is worth a try. For lots of people I think that’s the first negativity they need to address, certainly is for me!
In their approach however they suggest you ’snap’ the band against your wrist rather than swap it from arm to arm. It’s surprisingly effective, although I think I prefer the accumulated progress of the 21 day ladder!
6:32 am
Constructive criticism has been a bit of a grey area for thousands of years. When you criticize someone, you make them vulnerable, and break them down in sorts. So it’s important to know that you can’t just leave it at that. You have no right to criticize someone if you aren’t planning on being there for the aftermath and recovery of your comment.
Another behavior that people should stop is nail biting. As crude as this system is, I think slapping yourself in the face each time you bite your nails will get your to stop pretty quickly. Associate enough pain with a behavior, and just like a rat, you will find an alternative.
With a $1000 budget you would have to think outside the box. First, have a dress code of either all pink shirts, polka dots, or something else just as random and casual. Not wearing a suit will get people comfortable, less judgmental, not expecting gourmet Hors D’oeuvres, and just being more fun. Who is going to forget the polka dot party???
6:33 am
“What other behavior, besides complaining, do you think people should stop? How could train themselves to stop?”
Compulsive worrying, without a doubt. It inevitably leads to complaining anyway.
How to stop it? Start placing large cash bets on your so called “worst case scenarios” occurring and see how long it takes you to go broke. Or just use a bracelet. I suppose that would work as well.
As to the bonus question, I would probably scare the living daylights out of these people with a Lynchian, Sawesque, elaborate, but cheap practical joke. They’re not going to forget that.
6:35 am
Hi,
Just read your book. I swear I wrote it ;)
Not knowing what to tell people that you do, making what you used to make in a year in a month etc. I live this. Checkout my blog if you have a second. The latest post particularly where my mother wishes me a happy birthday and says that she hopes I’ll always live my life the way I do.
Shoot me an email next time you are in Thailand, we should grab a beer.
Cheers
Bill
7:00 am
Blaming others for current frustrations or challenges tops my list of a thought pattern to change. Naturally, if the resposiblity or “fix” needs an other, that should be determined and assistance sought. But I mean losing the taste for that yummy feeling of “poor me” that is so devitalizing and counterproductive.
The VIP’s would be treated to the best most unique foods, musicians and spa treatments I could arrange through networking with new start-up superstar companies in my area who appreciate the value of this kind of exposure. I would use the $1000, if needed, to fill any holes in the experience (decorations, invitations…)but I can’t imagine a service or product, except maybe postage, that can’t be arranged through connecting.
7:03 am
I’ve done a similar experiment in the past relying on a Bible verse (which one I can’t remember) that said to do everything as if you’re doing it for God…and don’t complain. I found that without complaining, tasks that I’d normally found unbearable became much easier and if I really got creative in my thinking I could even find some joy in accomplishing those tasks.
7:32 am
What other behaviors to track and stop? Easy.
Getting sidetracked.
When you end up doing something you didn’t originally intend to do, you’re sidetracked.
For example, you might get an email from a friend, then click a link, and suddenly start reading up on something interesting. (It could even be the 4 Hour Workweek.) If it’s not what you originally planned to do, you just disrupted your day. It’s not possible to be effective if your day is constantly disrupted.
“Do It Tomorrow” is a great “time management” (actually self-management book) that explains this well. For best results, we should Think -> Decide -> Act. But if you’re ineffective, you tend to go with Stimulus -> Response.
There’s no real thinking involved - no real using your brain to get the most out of your time and your day. So getting rid of sidetracking is one of the best things you can do to become more effective.
Personal experience also shows that it makes you happier and more satisified. I’m not perfect but I’m getting there. :)
7:41 am
I think one thing to be conscious of is that some times we need a cornholio style breakdown to make real changes. It’s unhealthy to let things go for too long, and setting up action items allows us to deal with problems, but often our solutions to difficult problems are unpleasant themselves. To break through this and make real action rage is sometimes the only solution.
7:58 am
I actually did something similar to this while I was in high school. I stumbled on it after reading about Ben Franklin and his book which he tracked his negative behaviors. I tried to keep a similar book (using my own list of negative actions) but the book quickly fell to the wayside. So instead I would devote a coincidental 3 weeks to one topic, for me though I successfully went the first 3 weeks without complaining (or maybe without realizing I had complained.)
8:03 am
TimG:
Monkey Grinder
8:32 am
What other behavior, besides complaining, do you think people should stop? How could train themselves to stop?
I think that one of the most bothersome traits that some people have is centered around cursing. I went to visit family this past weekend, and my nephew (a freshman in high school) had a reasonably clean mouth for most of the evening. Once he thought that I was asleep and was chatting with his little brother, though, he began sprinkling in 4 letter words so much that his little brother called him on it and told him to clean it up.
I think that cursing in general, even when it isn’t used as a complaint and especially when it is used as an unnecessary qualifier, would be a great habit to break using a method like this. The quarter jar approach sometimes works, but not usually.
If you were holding a party for 100 VIPs in SF or NYC and had no budget (or no more than $1,000, whichever you prefer), what would you do to make the event memorable and fun?
I’d host a group run through Central Park (that being the only runner friendly place I know in NYC since I haven’t spent a lot of time there outside of the marathon when the streets were closed), but that might not appeal to people outside of my usual crowd.
8:32 am
One of the most insidious and fundamentally debilitating behaviors we all tend to have is that of “second-handedness.” It starts when we are children, obsessed with “fitting in” and being liked, extends into high school where we obsess endlessly about being “cool,” and it carries into adulthood by default.
In essence, “second-handedness” is our tendency to judge what we say and do according to the standard of what we think OTHER people will think, rather than by the standard of what WE think or what will make US happy.
It’s all about motive.
Are you wearing that shirt because YOU like it and because it’s comfortable — or are you wearing it because you know you paid $175 for it and you hope you might have a chance to mention that when you go out tonight with your friends?
Are you ordering that cup of coffee because YOU really love that flavor of coffee — or are you ordering it because you think you will look cool to the girl you are taking out?
Are you dumping money into a house you can’t really afford because YOU love it and because it makes you happy — or are you really just thinking about outdoing your friends from high school and excited about showing it off to your family when they come over?
It goes on and on. It’s relentless.
What this kind of habitual thinking leads to is a stale, plastic, inauthentic, other-centric life. Worse, it separates you from reality: what is important to you anymore has nothing to do with what is REALLY going on, but with what you want others to THINK ABOUT YOU. You sacrifice your “self” for that hazy murk you allow yourself to obsess over: what other people might think (or not think) about you.
And of course, we all tend to do this to one extent or another. But it can be terribly destructive not only to our capacity to be authentically happy but also to our capacity to create real lives for ourselves (as apart from the wishy-washy paranoid delusional drama-filled manipulative bull***t what-will-the-neighbors-think? scrabbling existences most people around us are muddling their way through).
How do you get past it? How do you stop making every damn choice center around this obsession with what other people are going to think of you? The best solution I’ve come up with so far is to ask myself “What would Roark do?” (Referencing the character of Howard Roark from Ayn Rand’s novel The Fountainhead — the iconic example of the Individual, who thinks and lives entirely apart from any concern with what others might think of him.)
Learning to ask that kind of question can help, especially when combined with learning to force yourself to break the pattern whenever you catch yourself falling into second-handed thinking.
Were you going to wear that shirt because you wanted to brag about what you paid for it? Fine. You just blew it. Put it back on the hanger and wear a T-shirt instead.
Were you entertaining the idea of what you were going to drop at the party to let everyone know you just bought a Porsche? Fine. No more. You now are going to resolve not to mention the damn car at all. And if someone else brings it up, you’re going to pass it off as quickly as possible and change the subject.
We need to learn to stand as individuals. We need to think for ourselves. We need to live our own lives — and stop trying to weigh our own value according to what we think others are thinking of us.
One caveat: The kid in high school who wears black all the time and is covered in piercings and has a “Suck Mein Kampf” T-shirt — that kid is just as tied up in second-handedness as the rest. He is just as wrapped up in what others are thinking of him. He is still playing for an effect, albeit a negative one. Same with the “cool” kid in the leather jacket slouching around at the mall. He may look like he doesn’t give a crap, but he is keenly aware of the looks he is drawing, barely able to think past how “cool” he must look to everyone around him.
False-individuality is just another kind of conformity; you’re still thinking in the pack, you’ve just chosen a different pack.
If you are going to live your own life, a legitimate and true life, an authentic life … you need to stop basing everything you say and do on how you think others will look at you (or what you hope people with think or not think about you).
We need to stop trying to impress everyone, stop worrying about what all the other sheep are thinking about us.
We need to start living our own lives. We need to start making our decisions based on our own judgment of reality, on our reasoned estimations of right and wrong, on the basis of what makes sense and what truly makes us happy.
~ Michael Fisher
8:44 am
What other behavior, besides complaining, do you think people should stop? How could train themselves to stop?
In my IT department we have a morning scrum (meeting) at exactly 8:45am. At first, employees were arriving late to this meeting and that was annoying our leader. So he developed a penalty of $1 to each individual who arrived late to the meeting. We even created a board called the ‘Tard’ board (for tardiness) and we have a head shot of each employee that moves up a ladder daily for each late meeting. The person with the most late mornings is pronounced the Tard king and is fined $5 for being late the next day. The Tard king also has to facilitate the morning meeting and present to the company during our weekly IT update.
At first it was a bit controversial and no one liked the idea of essentially being fined for being late. But people started showing up on time. What I really think happened was that peer pressure became more of a larger incentive to be on time.
This idea rolled out to the rest of the company and now senior leaders have to pay $20 if they are late for their monthly meeting.
All the money of course goes to a charity which we chose in advance.
9:00 am
Behavior to stop? Hoarding.
Hoarding of tax returns from 20 years ago, hoarding of dot matrix computer parts, hoarding of clothes you’ll never wear, hoarding of ideas.
Best way to get rid of them is to look at why you as an individual hoard things/ideas/etc…usually related to a feeling of scarcity or insecurity about the future. I believe we hoard not because we live in the past and want to hang onto sentimental stuff (taxes aren’t sentimental!)but because we might need it in the future and therefore we have a mindset of not having enough in the future and we come to expect to not have enough. Once you have a good understanding of why you’re holding onto things and what fears you have about your future…as well as what confidence you have in yourself…you can start to shed the clutter in your home, in your relationships, in your job decisions. The big change for me was in looking at each room in my house, each job task, and each activity in my life and deciding what would go with me if I had to move and start a new life elsewhere in 48 hours (I live in hurricane country). Whatever would go with me stayed and the rest, I got rid of.
9:07 am
Hi,
This isn’t related to this post and I apologize up front for that. Like many of the readers here, I’m a fan of Tim Ferris. I recently came across two autographed copies of the 4HWW which I am auctioning off on eBay for charity (as inspired by Tim). Proceeds go to Donors Choose, a non-profit Tim has mentioned before in this blog.
Here’s the link and apologies for the “spam”:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=200152212700&ssPageName=STRK:MESE:IT&ih=010
9:15 am
I think people should stop watch TV as much as they do (not stop 100% though). The best way to do it is when you watch TV you have to train at a gym (or at home) for the same amount of time as you watched TV. This way people will get more healthy very fast!
For the party I would get a sponsored hall to be in, for example a restaurant who can sell drinks and give a presentation about their company to the guests. Then I would have the party as a potluck supper where everyone bring there own little food or snack, imagine 100 different choices for food =). After the party I would take the guests out in the sun (in a park) and play some free outdoor games like kubb or boule.
9:29 am
I love it. Your definition (”describing an event or person negatively without indicating next steps to fix the problem”) is a good one. I have to say it bugs the hell out of me when someone complains about the same thing over time >>without making a change
9:31 am
“What other behavior, besides complaining, do you think people should stop? How could train themselves to stop?�
Pretending to be a victim.
A victim mentality stems from ignorance, fear, a misunderstanding of reality. This can be resolved by being informed and continued personal growth (but not too much reading: inform and then act!).
I’d love to see the human race evolve more quickly through an increase in emotional intelligence and general personal awareness. Its happening - slowly!
Love your work Tim.
9:32 am
What habit do I think people would benefit from losing? Watching too much TV! I know so many people whose potential is completely wasted because they spend every discretionary hour on doing nothing in front of the TV. I have friends who flirt with poverty because they spend their discretionary earnings on cable subscriptions. There are whole web sites dedicated to getting free from TV, but the easiest way is just to decide to keep it turned off, and to plan what you’re going to watch. Set an egg timer, if you need to.
Unlimited budget for a VIP party in SF or NYC? I always wanted to have a third world dictator party. Everybody dresses up in garish military uniforms, oversized sunglasses, and leopard print berets, and drinks pina coladas or sweet sweet coffee. A trip to a thrift store and a visit to a seamstress to sew on the craft store tassles, and you’ve got all it takes for a social leveler. Guests spend the evening getting to look completely ridiculous, and forgetting that they’re VIPs. Plus who doesn’t want to be a third world dictator, once assassination is taken out of the picture?
9:36 am
#1 Behavior that needs to stop: judging others on knee-jerk reactions & one’s own moral agenda. (I can dream right!?)
Growing up, my mom used to have a really cheesy wooden/photo plaque hanging on our wall that said “Old Indian Prayer: You cannot judge a man until you have walked a mile in his moccasins.” Despite it’s kitsch, the moral was there.
I guess the best way to curb this sort of thing would be to use a method similar to that of the complaining bracelet. In this case, the action taken would be a matter of stopping, thinking about a situation from someone else’s point of view and reassessing. It just seems a lot more human to start viewing others in this way.
As for the VP question…
I would probably coordinate the event with a city-wide free music festival or outdoor concert. Then I would spend my $1,000 on several 12 foot subs and other outdoorsy-picnicky food & drink.
9:44 am
One of the most insidious and fundamentally debilitating behaviors we all tend to have is that of “second-handedness.” It starts when we are children, obsessed with “fitting in” and being liked, extends into high school where we obsess endlessly about being “cool,” and it carries into adulthood by default.
In essence, “second-handedness” is our tendency to judge what we say and do according to the standard of what we think OTHER people will think, rather than by the standard of what WE think or what will make US happy.
It’s all about motive.
Are you wearing that shirt because YOU like it and because it’s comfortable — or are you wearing it because you know you paid $175 for it and you hope you might have a chance to mention that when you go out tonight with your friends?
Are you ordering that cup of coffee because YOU really love that flavor of coffee — or are you ordering it because you think you will look cool to the girl you are taking out?
Are you dumping money into a house you can’t really afford because YOU love it and because it makes you happy — or are you really just thinking about outdoing your friends from high school and excited about showing it off to your family when they come over?
It goes on and on. It’s relentless.
What this kind of habitual thinking leads to is a stale, plastic, inauthentic, other-centric life. Worse, it separates you from reality: what is important to you anymore has nothing to do with what is REALLY going on, but with what you want others to THINK ABOUT YOU. You sacrifice your “self” for that hazy murk you allow yourself to obsess over: what other people might think (or not think) about you.
And of course, we all tend to do this to one extent or another. But it can be terribly destructive not only to our capacity to be authentically happy but also to our capacity to create real lives for ourselves (as apart from the wishy-washy paranoid delusional drama-filled manipulative bull***t what-will-the-neighbors-think? scrabbling existences most people around us are muddling their way through).
How do you get past it? How do you stop making every damn choice center around this obsession with what other people are going to think of you? The best solution I’ve come up with so far is to ask myself “What would Roark do?” (Referencing the character of Howard Roark from Ayn Rand’s novel The Fountainhead — the iconic example of the Individual, who thinks and lives entirely apart from any concern with what others might think of him.)
Learning to ask that kind of question can help, especially when combined with learning to force yourself to break the pattern whenever you catch yourself falling into second-handed thinking.
Were you going to wear that shirt because you wanted to brag about what you paid for it? Fine. You just blew it. Put it back on the hanger and wear a T-shirt instead.
Were you entertaining the idea of what you were going to drop at the party to let everyone know you just bought a Porsche? Fine. No more. You now are going to resolve not to mention the damn car at all. And if someone else brings it up, you’re going to pass it off as quickly as possible and change the subject.
We need to learn to stand as individuals. We need to think for ourselves. We need to live our own lives — and stop trying to weigh our own value according to what we think others are thinking of us.
One caveat: The kid in high school who wears black all the time and is covered in piercings and has a “Suck Mein Kampf” T-shirt — that kid is just as tied up in second-handedness as the rest. He is just as wrapped up in what others are thinking of him. He is still playing for an effect, albeit a negative one. Same with the “cool” kid in the leather jacket slouching around at the mall. He may look like he doesn’t give a crap, but he is keenly aware of the looks he is drawing, barely able to think past how “cool” he must look to everyone around him.
False-individuality is just another kind of conformity; you’re still thinking in the pack, you’ve just chosen a different pack.
If you are going to live your own life, a legitimate and true life, an authentic life … you need to stop basing everything you say and do on how you think others will look at you (or what you hope people with think or not think about you).
We need to stop trying to impress everyone, stop worrying about what all the other sheep are thinking about us.
We need to start living our own lives. We need to start making our decisions based on our own judgment of reality, on our reasoned estimations of right and wrong, on the basis of what makes sense and what truly makes us happy.
9:59 am
Talking badly about others.
Sure, sometimes it’s deserved, but nobody’s life is improved by bad-mouthing others.
Simple solution…carry a small vile of something that tastes horrible to you. It could be some pepper type substance (like the stuff used to make people stop biting their fingernails). Whatever it is, make sure it’s something awful to YOU.
Every time you catch yourself talking badly of others. Take it from your purse or pocket, touch it to your tongue and PRESTO - you’ll have a bad taste in your mouth (deserving).
You could add one other element if you want - GREAT TASTE ASSOCIATED WITH KIND WORDS SPOKEN OF OTHERS. Get something that tastes wonderful to you. Everytime you speak kindly of others, hit your tongue with it.
10:00 am
By the way, STICK WITH THE MAC. You will never go back. Not sure what problems you’re having or why - but anybody smart enough to figure out how to work only 4 hours a week can surely conquer a Mac computer.
10:06 am
What other behavior, besides complaining, do you think people should stop? How could train themselves to stop?
I would say the worst habit I and lots of my co-workers have is trying to do other work while having a face-to-face conversation with someone. For example, I have the terrible habit of talking to someone while sitting in my chair in my office. When the other person is talking I’m often tempted to check my email notifications, shuffle papers, etc. It’s rude and I’m trying very hard not to do it. My method so far has been to shut off my monitor when someone stops by.
10:09 am
Just to echo Leonard Klaatu’s comment: Stick with the Mac! I made the switch earlier this year, got myself the MacBook Pro, bought all new software (Adobe Creative Suite, BBEdit, iLife and iWork, Final Cut Express DV, etc.) … and I would never under any circumstances ever go back.
If you need to resize photos, I recommend any of the Adobe Photoshop products. You can get something as easy as Photoshop Elements or as full-featured as Photoshop CS3. You can also get Adobe Lightroom, which I consider the current pinnacle of photo-organizing and general photo-editing software. You don’t get all of the crazy stuff you can do with Photoshop, but you get an awesome tool for organizing your photos, editing them, creating slide shows and web galleries, and preparing prints.
If you pick up Lightroom, I’ll personally give you an over-the-phone training session and have you up and running with best practices in an hour.
At any rate — stay with the Mac. There’s a slight learning curve, but once you’re through it, you will never go back to a PC again.
10:10 am
Shoot. I started using a variation on this about four years ago and never thought to try to turn it into a movement. Instead of switching hands, though, I snap it against my wrist. Switching hands is a probably a better way to measure effectiveness over time, though.
Also, I totally agree with the next action approach to complaints. I think this can be applied to almost any negative emotion. http://www.askderekscruggs.com/the-emotional-inbox.html
10:16 am
Online Addiction (that includes blogs!)
Some of us spend way too much time online. It can lead to social isolation, passivity, and even depression. (And no, your “friends” on Facebook, MySpace, Friendster and other social network sites are not really your “friends.” Vast majority are mere acquaintances.)
Decide for yourself ahead of time what number of hours a week would be reasonable to spend online… for work and other things. Set that as your max and don’t go over it.
It might be easier for some to set the number of hours (in their waking life) they want to be offline.
So you might say, I want to make sure I have 5 hours each day when I’m not at my computer. For every day that you miss your offline goal, you have to whip yourself 5 times OR you have to put $5 in a jar and spend that money on your friends.
10:18 am
Organ Grinder, actually
10:29 am
I would throw a kegger/frisbee competition in a public park.
10:35 am
Awesome post.
I went to a Warrior Camp that taught to us to do something similar. Every time we said something negative and unproductive, we’d “slap” our hand with the bracelet. We wore the bracelet for 30 days.
I like Will’s “wrist switch” method better. Like you, I’m preparing for some major projects that are really going to test my patience, so I’m going to pick up a bracelet today.
As far as what else people should stop - I strongly believe that people need to act before they think.
It’s quite stunning, really… how so many people stop themselves from doing things because they over-think.
In my opinion, this could easily be fixed by people putting themselves in situations that challenge their comfort zone, as you mentioned in 4HWW.
By pushing themselves at least once a week (or once a day), people will come to realize that their fear (definition of fear: ANTICIPATION of pain - as in, it hasn’t happened yet) was completely in their head.
A personal “slogan” might help, too. Mine is (quite originally) “Just do it.”.
10:38 am
I think people should stop watch TV as much as they do (not stop 100% though). The best way to do it is when you watch TV you have to train at a gym (or at home) for the same amount of time as you watched TV. This way people will get more healthy very fast!
For the party I would get a sponsored hall to be in, for example a restaurant who can sell drinks and give a presentation about their company to the guests. Then I would have the party as a potluck supper where everyone bring there own little food or snack, imagine 100 different choices for food =). After the party I would take the guests out in the sun (in a park) and play some free outdoor games like kubb or boule.
11:13 am
I’ve been getting your blog posts via email from feedburner. I thought you might want to know that the code in the Go To My PC advertisements is getting broken somewhere in the pipeline. The result is html code sitting in plain view of your blog entry emails.
the code “alt=3D”Try It Free” border=3D”0″/>” appears, it is happening because of a “br” tag that is in the imagr tag of the advertisement.
###
Thank you, Thomas! I really appreciate you letting me know, and I’ll pass this on to them.
All the best,
Tim
11:44 am
* From Apple’s Tips section:
Resizing Photos for Emailing
After you attach a photo to your email message (you can just drag-and-drop the image into the New Message window), take a look in the bottom-right corner of your email message window, and you’ll see a pop-up menu where you can choose the Image Size you’d like to send. As soon as you choose a size (other than Actual Size), the image is immediately scaled down right within the email message window so you can see the exact size of the photo you’re sending.
http://www.apple.com/pro/tips/emailresize.html
* From Apple’s Downloads section:
Film Roll 1.0
A group of plug-ins for the Finder. Film Roll provides one-click automation for: Adding photos to iPhoto, Cropping Photos, Flipping Photos, Changing the Image Type, Resizing the Photos, Printing Photos, and Placing a frame around the photos.
http://www.apple.com/downloads/macosx/automator/filmroll.html
11:47 am
I think people should stop referencing fake or phantom knowledge like, I heard from someone that such and such should be done this way or with this and that. Please check resources and make sure the info is valid rather than Internet myth, fairy tale or people speaking out of their butt on issues they dont really understand! Enforcement would be to challenge everyone whenever they start speaking this way and drill them for names and references to hopefully annoy them enough so they dont blurt out unqualified advice in front of you ever again.
Idea for 1000 VIP event - have 100 of them volunteer to be the servers to the others. Call it a lesson in giving and serving to your peers. An event for VIPs with time and effort donated by VIPs. Have another dozen or so be the speakers (10min each) on who they consider to be VIPs in life or their industry and why. Invite some or all of the guests to bring their own finger food in a pot-luck style event to share with their VIP peers. Have another 50 or so be the wrap-up/clean-up folks at the end of the event. Invite some of the wealthiest VIPs to donate door prizes to be raffled off to their fellow VIPs or donated to charity. Use contacts and good PR to book a nice hall somewhere and advise the hall owner to give you the hall for $500 or free so that he can get the free publicity of all these VIPs coming together in one place and getting exposure at this hall. Use $500 for nice looking invitations from a printing company that can also use more exposure and will be willing to reduce their rate to this amount so they could get free advertising on the back of the invitation cards and a logo or name at the bottom of each as a co-sponsor of the event.
Create Press Releases and distribute to all local TV stations and newspapers to invite them to cover the event - free publicity. Have a current great speaker/author/public figure be a special guest at the event and make sure they donate their time for free for the publicity and chance to mingle with many other VIPs. Great for famous politicians around the time of their re-election and campaigning. Also good for authors of new books! Have a Corporate sponsor or two to help get their name on the invite card and at the entrance to the main hall. Give them access to the VIP address/contact list for follow-up in exchange for cost of decorations, entertainment, limo service, and security.
11:52 am
What other behavior do you think people should stop?
Interrupting. Just as Never the Same River indicates, we often get so used to multitasking that we assume we can actually listen while doing something else. We forget that communication is a dual-party process. To listen effectively you must be an active participant.
We have a policy in our office of the ‘3 Second Rule’ in conversations. You speak, you finish, I wait 3 seconds and then I speak. Repeat. It has transformed the way we communicate and improved both the authenticity of our message and the respect we all feel from our peers. The difficulty is when we get a group moving and everyone has a pressing idea to share RIGHT NOW. We are working on learning to ‘park it’ by jotting it down and maintaining our attention on the current speaker. It it is admittedly challenging but the benefits are worth the effort.
Additionally, the uninitiated often are unable to allow three seconds of silence and keep talking, offering more and more insight. Clients have shared trusted information without hesitation simply because it seemed we were waiting for more.
11:58 am
I’d eliminate the passive aggressive exasperation sigh. It’s one of my all time pet peeves. I’d say every time you catch yourself on the inhale for the sigh turn it into a yawn and rewire your brain to feel exhausted by the negative emotion instead of laying it on other people…
As far as a party in SF you have to rent this and drop the extra bucks or charge a few bucks at the door. It’s BADASS!
[Jason, you put in the magic link! That's what I remembered you talking about. I've removed the link so that it isn't booked until 2015, but you'll be invited to the party ;)]
Have a good trip!
12:28 pm
TIM KEEP THE MAC! You don’t realize how much we’ve all been programmed by PC’s. We wrongly think we are getting smarter because of our ever-growing knowledge base of useless technical tricks that we should have never needed in the first place. It consumes our time, brainspace and energy. The PC is entirely ANTI-4HWW, the Mac is 100% pro 4HWW.
TIM, PLEASE MAKE A POLL ON THIS…
(first define the voter)
1. always a mac user
2. pc then converted to mac
3. still a pc user
4. mac, then converted to pc (kidding!)
You believe PC’s are ANTI-4HWW & MACS are PRO-4HWW
YES/NO
Re: complaining. I just don’t complain. I’m super action oriented to take the next step toward victory. And people around me get reprogrammed as a result.
Re: PARTY PROMO:
I googled Jeremiah’s “Lynchian, Sawesque” and it was indexed in Google 4 hours ago, almost immediately. WOW! Google must take you as a real hip/authoritative place to be!
Anyway, now that I know what it means, I do think some sort of MAJOR PRACTICAL JOKE would be great. It could even net some great publicity in the process.
How about we stealthily hook the media to cover some new TREND amongst CEO’s that has them only working one day a week. At 8am they all watch a 15 minute 4HWW web program to “tune them in” (cult like) then, a reporter follows one of them through his day (where he gets a week of work done). We’ll come up with some quirky management behavior and visuals. eg. He wears a suit and tie, but has a water bottle clipped to his alligator belt, and the back of his tie is terry cloth to wipe off the sweat. When he walks through the office the crowd the crowd opens up a foot ahead, like a repelling magnet, then closes back around him. He speaks in a top down computer programming / telegram style.
Do you remember the movie “Revenge of the Nerd”? Later the main guy became a nerd for hire at parties. You could have several of these 4hww actors, men and women, young and old, PLANTED in the party. Their behavior starts out fairly normal and progresses to ridiculous by the end of the night. eg1. they address people by their project/profession because Names are useless info that they won’t remember anyway. eg2. they join a small group chat and try to organize and prioritize things so that it is all relevant and focussed. they interrupt people who provide too much detailed info that may get them off track.
At the end of the night make an announcement about some coaching you will be doing and these people are heading it up. It can be totally wacked 4hww concepts.
shoot a video of the entire event and later edit into something for youtube. the 4hww spoof party video could become a viral hit to get exposure for the real 4hww.
DAMN THAT WOULD BE FUN. How important do I have to be, to be a VIP? Maybe I could be one of the planted 4hww wackos.
Victory.
12:29 pm
One other behavior which coincides with complaining is comparing.
Comparing oneself or condition to that of another. Jane has X,Y,Z and doesn’t have to do A,B,C like I do.
If you see there is a problem or something that you would liked changed, (wo)man up and change it! If you are a couple, brainstorm what and how things can be changed. Though I’ve found that some people will always find somethig to complain about, no matter what has been changed.
Figure out your TMI and set on a path to meet those needs so that you(rs) can be just like the Janes of the world or something better.
Now back to my mousehole.
n
12:32 pm
Tim,
Here’s an AppleScript I wrote awhile ago to resize images on the Mac.
http://www.versiontracker.com/dyn/moreinfo/macosx/25633
12:55 pm
Behavior to stop: I like the suggestion to stop multitasking. I also think people should stop deflecting compliments (”oh no, really, it’s nothing”) and just say “thank you.”
VIPs and low budget: I’d tell them to dress casual and arrange some low-rent fun: bowling and beer, a picnic on blankets in the park, renting little boats and taking people fishing and then grilling up the fish for dinner, a bonfire on the beach. All that wonderful stuff that most of us haven’t enjoyed since high school / college.
12:56 pm
If I could have my way (which I can’t), everyone would maintain steady eye contact in their interactions with others. The inability to maintain eye contact is habitual, and the habit can be broken by simply forcing yourself in the opposite direction.
As for the VIP party… simple, I’d make it a flash mob.
1:03 pm
What other behavior, besides complaining, do you think people should stop? How could train themselves to stop?
Worry:
My mom has brought the family down for years through her excessive worry. This behavior has never seemed to benefit anyone in any way. I understand the difference between active concern and worry. Where active concern is a concentrated identification and focus on a problem for the purpose of eliminating it. And so I observe that where there is no desire / motivation / interest to actively seek a solution , then ‘worry’ seems to be the result. In my experience and in my life … a monumental waste of time and energy.
And so how do you train yourself to stop prolonged worry?
Some people enjoy worrying. Who knows why? And they don’t want to stop. So stay away from these people. Duh. But - for me - growing up with the worrywort mom …
Try this:
Train yourself to identify every single source of anxiety as soon as it enters your mind. Merely exercising your mind in this way helps in the elimination process. Most of worry can be removed if it is only identified in detail.
Two questions I ask myself immediately are:
#1 Is someone going to die if this problem is not resolved?
#2 How bad - REALLY - is the ‘worst case’?
- surround yourself with positive people and positive things that make you feel good. Don’t suffer depressed people’s thought patterns to move into your mind. They are usually big on worry.
Here is an EXCELLENT article that I found on the internet dealing with worry.
http://www.anxietyculture.com/worry.htm
>>>
Bonus: If you were holding a party for 100 VIPs in SF or NYC and had no budget (or no more than $1,000, whichever you prefer), what would you do to make the event memorable and fun?
Memorable and fun?
I find that interactive meetings that include copious amounts of audience interaction ( all the audience so that nobody feels spotlighted or embarrassed ) are the most memorable and fun.
The worst ( most boring ) meetings are were someone gets up and talks the whole time about business.
Comedy … surprises … Interrupt the meeting with some form of hoax, humor or parlor trick …
Do something random and high energy. Have the backstreet boys come in and grab audience members to help them to perform … hell, they should go for about $1000 now …
Give out name badges that already have a random name on them … Sound stupid? … well even ’stupid’ stuff is more fun than … well …. ‘boring’ …
1:09 pm
What other behavior, besides complaining, do you think people should stop? How could train themselves to stop?
Making excuses seems to be very destructive to attaining goals, and more importantly, to get back on track if encountered by a setback. Excuses often are a “let myself off the hook” mechanism that impedes potential. I myself am a culprit more often than I like to admit.
Recently I’ve tried to address not making excuses with REVERSE-EXCUSES tied to specific consequences. If I have not attained my goal and/or have suffered a setback, instead of saying “I can’t get to the gym to work out 5 times this week,” I instead say, “I can’t sit at home and gain 5 pounds.” I’ve also realized that making your goals public (telling friends,family) also builds an important support system and the feeling that if you do not try to attain your goal(s), you’ve let yourself down in their eyes.
Bonus: If you were holding a party for 100 VIPs in SF or NYC and had no budget (or no more than $1,000, whichever you prefer), what would you do to make the event memorable and fun?
A NYC Central Park/SF park BBQ would definitely be my suggestion. BBQ food allows for a variety of cost-conscious alternatives (without tipping!). I’d complement the BBQ with team-building activities, such as social games and physical activities like volleyball, potato sack races, horse shoes, etc.
1:20 pm
I love this post. It really comes comes down to what kind of person you want to be.
Anyone with a passion for what they do will set goals for themselves, usually aggressive goals. And many times, you need help from people around you to achieve them. What kind of person motivates their peers, friends and collegues? It’s not the person complaining and draining everyone’s energy.
Complaining is tempting when your patience is tried and you just want to get sh*t done and we all give in. But solutions are helpful and positive, they just take a little more work.
For the party - hire a great band, get a good music set list, and ask your guests if any of them want to play a song or two. I’m always shocked at the hidden music talent out there. And people like to hear each other play, good or bad. Music changes people for the better :)
Try to stick out the mac. It’s worth it once you get used to it. I picked up that same book you’re holding in your hand when I was feeling the same way. I think David Pogue wrote that one - he’s one of the best tour guides you could ask for.
1:33 pm
…attempted to leave a comment about 30 minutes ago, but it never showed. So, a recap!
Behavior to stop: Avoiding eye contact! Solid eye contact makes a world of difference in any interaction.
Party for VIPs: Organize a flash mob. It would likely be a new experience for all in participation, and would very likely be a good memory. Afterwards, head to a nearby pub or diner, or hold a picnic or barbecue.
As for the Mac stuff… I empathize with you. I support Macs and OSX Server in the enterprise, and I constantly find myself near screaming in frustration at how difficult it is to accomplish seemingly simple tasks (this is even worse with OSX Server, you have no idea).
On the upside, once you’ve mastered OSX you will know plenty of awkward key commands that will be of absolutely no use to you in any other OS.
1:46 pm
Hey!! Tim, i´m Brazilian love your site and check it every time you actualize.
So,about the bracelets question…
Generalizing: Everybody nows their one or two major problems. Make a Bracelet and change it every time you do this problems.
In my case: